UnNews:UnNews to go on the road
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|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
22 August 2012
UnNews Headquarters, Canada -- Here at UnNews headquarters, we are all pretty friendly with each other. There has been a sexual harassment case or two - but who's keeping check? There was that one murder that time but - again - do you really classify an "accident" with a photocopy machine "murder"? Hm... Thinking.
I was just joking of course!
...Still thinking... So anyway it is going to be fun for us all soon when we finally show our faces in a traveling version of UnNews! Just for our many readers. How about that? Will you all buy tickets? We would do it for free but there's concert booking fees, security, room service, hook... Hooks to put on the door to hang our many coats. Let's see... Then there's limos, helicopters, planes, flowers in every dressing room, Ming Dynasty vases - to put the flowers into. Chinese girls needed to put the flowers into the Ming Dynasty vases. Sexy assistants to help the Chinese girls put the flowers into the Ming Dynasty vases.
The show will be about - well - news. We each take an opportunity to give a talk on our favorite news, then we gather and sing a few tunes. We have a house band called, "UnDun", they will perform (myself on the piano). It will just be a riot. Please come to our show. We start in the depths of cold winter, I have named the tour - The Winter Balls Tour. It is in honor of Buddy Holly who was a real buddy to everyone and had a surname to sum up Christmas. It's true though... In winter, a man's balls change. I don't think it happens to a woman as it's neatly packaged to keep warm. So many times I've kept my hands warm by... Then there are agent fees, pros... pro studio gear to hire, Prince Harry to party with nude (pay off his security to let us in).
But the one sad aspect is there aren't many female journalists at UnNews since the case. Uh, I mean, since we moved headquarters to a very male dominated population in a Canadian small town. I would like to say in this press release the following lonely hearts ad:
Wanted: Female women writers with warmth
We are a 25 to 60 year old office of males, funny as the day is long (Unless it's Finland, not a funny place). We seek girls 18 to 22 years old (we like range) to join our friendly but very busy news team. If you have fingers to type, a pretty brain with a curvy smile, please make this news room an even happier place by becoming one of us. You get all the usual benefits plus a hearty laugh all morning until the 15-minute lunch and another hearty laugh until midnight (when we feast). I hope we have some female readers with eyes who can read this... If you are Chinese - even better. Tons of flower jobs to go around. Best wishes, Undres... UnNews.
So there you have it, a press release of a different kind. We hope to see you all in winter!
This is a hopeful journalist for UnNews.