UnNews:UnNews resolves to outdo WikiLeaks

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24 October 2010

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At UnNews headquarters, wastebaskets were being gathered to assist in the next "data dump."

WIKIA CITY, California--In the wake of the disclosure of gigabytes of classified military intelligence by WikiLeaks, UnNews has resolved to return to its position as the world's principal purveyor of dangerous disclosures.

"As for document releases that threaten the allied fighting forces," said UnNews publisher Morris Greeley, "we're sure we can do better. Gigabytes? We can give them--What comes after Gigabytes?"

Greeley added that the veracity of the disclosures need not be a factor in giving aid and comfort to the enemy. "Given the shrewdness of modern consumers of mass media, we feel that a mass dump of total bollocks would be equally effective."

The WikiLeaks data dump covers the period from January 20, 2001 through the same date in 2009--oddly, the exact Bush presidency. It portrays a chaotic and divided Iraq. Unbiased counterintelligence experts at the Associated Press have concluded that Mr. Bush was both ignorant and malevolent to send troops there, but that President Obama is both shrewd and guileless to leave them there, and probably should leave them there forever. The dump says that, compared to 2003, when Iraq had more tanks than perennial enemy Iran, democratic Iraq is at an 11-to-1 disadvantage. And now has one fewer nuke. The conventional wisdom had been that propping up Saddam Hussein against Iran was also both ignorant and malevolent. In short, the U.S. has been kibitzing there for two decades, and things are more screwed up than ever, which means we should do more.

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WikiLeaks president Julian Melange, himself a veteran of the Spice Wars, said he released a redacted version to the wire services for analysis, but not the originals, which are only being released to every Tom, Dick, and Harry on the Internet. The U.S. Department of Defense, by comparison, got nothing. "They didn't want to talk about redaction, partial release, or even my newest recipe for Raspberry Shrimp," he said. "They insisted on no release at all."

The nature of the imminent UnNews data dump is unclear, except that it will be twice the size, in bytes, of the WikiLeaks cache. Some of it will be in hexadecimal, some will be animated GIFs that don't play, and some will be Zip files with bad checksums. "Far from harming the war effort," UnNews's Mr. Greeley explained, "this cryptic package might take so much effort for the terrorists that it will totally prevent them from planning their next attack on the West."

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