UnNews:UnNews reporter makes public apology to UnWife

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5 August 2012

Photo0562

This is me now

BANGKOK, Thailand -- The days when I was younger, so much younger than today: I never needed a first wife or her help in any way - until now.

Yes, your roving reporter is having a moment of clarity and claret.

For those of you who are married, you will not know what I am talking about. For those of you who are divorced - you will. A lot of my stories feature marriage and divorce, I am the only reporter at the office here looking for articles to write on said subjects. We have a big notice board at our headquarters and we arrive in the office like New York Cabbies and take our jobs as best we can; what remains on the board until late into the afternoon? Jobs we all don't want to do; for instance: "Oprah interview from bed without wig but hair everywhere else"; "Bill asks for men to smoke with"; "Hilary Duff talks of acting": All too scarey! Another topic assigned but rarely chosen? Marriage.

I was going through my past experiences and had a silly idea - I would give my ex wife a call. "Hey how are you?" Wow! I thought I had called an Alaskan bear! That is about as close as I can describe the call. Don't argue with bears. She took a piece of ear off (which I'm having put back as I write this).

You may want to know WHY I have a first wife? Well, being a young reporter at the 1992 Oscars, I met Macaulay Culkin who said of the wonders of marriage. We were only 12. The thought stuck with me and by 22 I was married. Often I left my young bride home alone, doing what young dumb reporters do. One day, six years later, she left that Chicago mansion all to me. I skied the stairs, argued with Joe Pesci and had a ball. Until...

Being home alone isn't so nice. I screwed up. Sold the mansion, moved to France and tried to commit comedy on the stage. Now I'm here, in Asia. The logical jump from France.

So here goes: "Dear ex, I didn't get things right, I nearly pushed you off that pleasure boat one time and, well, you fell in and got wet anyway; but I saved you! With all those tourists who jumped in... I drank too much, didn't cuddle you (other for sex) and sang Elvis' song "Always On My Mind" thinking that was what you wanted. The door slammed closed one day, you were gone. Next time I call, please put the Park Ranger on. Love you"

There you have it. Honesty in a few lines. You may all mail the office with your own experiences and I'll read each one. The person with the best story gets the chance to have it printed right here.

This is a very honest reporter for UnNews.

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