UnNews:UnNews names Finkelscheimer "Man of the Year"
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UnNews names Finkelscheimer "Man of the Year"
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, July 29, 2016, 16:03:UTC)(
15 December 2010
WIKIA CITY, California -- UnNews today named Merl Finkelscheimer as its "Man of the Year." Finkelscheimer is the inventor of various social-media web sites, including, coincidentally, Uncyclopedia, though he is only known there through an alias.
"Socializing on the Internet is one of the defining trends of modern times," said UnNews publisher Morris Greeley, though he admitted that not much about it changed in 2010 and no one really cares where people go to socialize.
Mr. Finkelscheimer, a billionaire, has pledged $100 million (over 20 years) to charities, moving his money out of the bank and into the pursuit of prestige. Along these lines, he has also joined calls by Bill Gates and Warren Buffett for higher income-tax rates, which Mr. Finkelscheimer will never have to pay on his T-bonds, but those striving to join him in the upper class will.
Mr. Greeley said a close runner-up was Kim Jong-il ("Insane Leader"), dictator of Best Korea, who played a third consecutive U.S. administration like a fiddle and parlayed belligerent missile launches into anxious offers of food and plutonium.
The nomination deftly sidesteps mention of Julian Assange, the founder of a web site that actually had a cataclysmic effect in the year. It also lets UnNews whistle past the year's most profound development, the conversion of "transformational" U.S. President Barack Obama into a salesman for a tax bill he had previously called a "giveaway to millionaires and billionaires." UnNews has covered the imminent loss of the House of Reprehensibles to the opposition party--but only on the Society Pages--and the nomination lets UnNews avoid the search for responsible parties, and maintain its objectivity by saying nothing at all about that loathsome Sarah person or her slutty daughters.
Time Magazine has a copycat award, now named the "Man, Woman, Entity, Population, or Concept of the Year" as it too searches ever further afield to avoid naming Republicans. However, UnNews has not needed such nods to diversity, as it only honors white men.