UnNews:UnNews investing guide: invest in canned goods, bomb shelters, mutant repellent
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UnNews investing guide: invest in canned goods, bomb shelters, mutant repellent
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, March 25, 2017, 08:07:UTC)(
9 October 2006
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NEW YORK, New York -- You may be hearing a lot of doom and gloom from those pansy-ass pacifist liberals these days, leading you to think, "Hey, I'd better be defensive. Put my money in a nice mutual fund, or some bonds, where it's safe". But you'd be wrong to buy into all that negative thinking. There are always financial opportunities for the savvy investor - you just have to know where to find them! Because the leadership of the White House over the past six years, and their novel take on foreign policy, the investing outlook has "never been better". Many sectors are poised for solid growth. Cash out little Bobby's college fund, because this stock market is taking off like a rocket- and you want to be invested to the hilt when it does!
What sectors should I invest in? There are a number of companies which should almost, um, explode in coming months. These include Phoenix Canned Goods (NYSE: PCG), Allied Bottled Water(NYSE: WTR) and ACME Bomb Shelter (Nasdaq:ACME). Other companies which are poised for strong growth include Victory Geiger Counter (Nasdaq: GAMA) and Mutant-B-Gone Mutant Repellant (Nasdaq: MUTB). Admittedly, Mutant-B-Gone is a pricy stock these days, and there have been some troubles with the management, but we think that in coming months the increased business will make it an attractive stock to own. Trust me, this one's going to go sky-high. No pun intended. Finally, there's the Cro-Magnon Tool Company(NYSE:CRO). They make a variety of low-tech but highly functional tools. These include a handy stone knife (for sharpening branches into spears, butchering wild game), a flint-napping tool made out of a deer's horn (for making your own stone knives), and a pair of flint rocks (crack them together to make sparks and start a fire). We think that, given current developments and the decisive leadership of the Bush White House, their long-term prospects are excellent.
Precious Metals Get your cash holdings out of the dollar and into gold. You may also want to look at iron and bronze. You're thinking, "wait a minute! Those aren't precious metals", and technically, you're right. But trust me, they will be precious metals. Oh yes, they will be.
Opportunities for Short Sellers As you know, it's also possible to short a stock- to profit by a decrease in a stock's price. I recommend shorting the entire high-tech sector, in general. Short sell Intel (Nasdaq:INTC) and Dell(Nasdaq:DELL). They're 20th-century companies. They're the era of silicon, whereas the new driving technologies will be silicates- minerals composed of silicon oxides, like flint and quartz. Plus, their basic technologies are far too vulnerable to electromagnetic pulses.
The final word Just remember, every cloud, even a mushroom shaped one, has a silver lining. The amateur looks at certain situations and says, "oh man, this looks pretty fucking bad". The professional investor understands that everything has an upside, there's always a potential for profit. As they say, it's an ill wind that blows nobody any good. Even if that cloud carries high levels of radioactive cesium, uranium, and plutonium.