UnNews:UnNews founder's life to be made into film
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
8 July 2012
LONDON, UK -- Howard Hugues was a confidante and shared the same eye-catching monogram, Princess Margaret wouldn't dare to host a party without him, Greta Garbo famously stated, "I want to be alone, unless you are Harold Holiday".
He was a powerful tycoon from an unremarkable Scottish glen, he went to the finest restaurants and cavorted with royalty at a time when royalty still quietly cavorted behind closed doors. Harold Holiday was the quintessential play boy; fast cars, yachts and the owner of many homes. He was Howard Hugues' only welcome visitor during Hughes' frequent battles with germs and is regarded as the founder of modern journalism.
When this newspaper first appeared on stands, England and America had just defeated Germany, Amelia Earhart had just become a 75 year old news story and 1948 was yet to happen. Yes, it was 1947.
The 29 year old Holiday left his native Scotland and settled in London. His mesmerizing good looks and upper-class Scottish accent made him an instant success. Rumor has it he was liked by Queen Elizabeth I, so much so that she insisted she have him "as my going iteside with sort of fellow". A recently published letter she wrote to Holiday sums up her feelings: Dear Harold, I'm afraid I am not alliyed ite to see you. I have been confined to the hice by my husband. Oh I do love walking arind the grinds with you, we would shite for the horses and they would run over to us, please say we can shoot some grice again. I am pride of your latest venture; a newspaper? What a frightfully wonderful idea. I enclose 10 pinds for your troubles. You are my John Briyn. Your loving friend, Bett.
The venture Queen Elizabeth refers to, is this very website. With no internet in 1947, paper was the choice in placing the written word. Harold Holiday decided to write his first article: "Does anyone know how to read upper-class words?". The article was a major success, as, he had lampooned the royal family at a time when the royal family were still lampooned behind closed doors and to the face of the guards who stood outside Buckingham palace, he hadn't intended to create a humorous piece but soon was inundated with requests for more articles of levity.
With royal patronage, (due to Bett) Holiday turned Daily UnNews into a worldwide success. He handcrafted the techniques still used by modern tabloid newspapers. Even today his fingerprints are all over modern publications, his maxim was, "follow famous fools, Holiday happy with Hugues". In essence, he is responsible for Hilary Duff's fascinating trips to the gym and making people famous for absolutely no reason.
Holiday became a superstar, the 1950's were his favorite years. A typical birthday party of the entrepreneur involved high-society names like Elizabeth Taylor, Errol Flynn and of course Howard Hughes. His frequent affairs with movie starlets fueled the rumor he was hetero sexual. By 1959, Holiday was a multimillionaire.
Harold Holiday decided to give the 1960's a miss and was seldom seen in public. He often visited his old pal Hughes and was devastated by the movie-mogul's death in 1976. Holiday insisted his own home be wallpapered with Kleenex in honor of his friend.
In 1974, Holiday would be among the privileged few to know the whereabouts of Lord Lucan and would sign his name to the Lucan conservation trust. The trust, based in Kenya, allowed aristocrats wanted for murder to live out their days in a Kenyan zoo under the guise of an animal. The shocking truth has only recently come to light - for years, the Zebra "Lucy" at Kenya zoo had in fact been Lord Lucan all along. Asked about Lucan in a rare interview for BBC television in 1986, Holiday gave a tangled answer: "Where is he? Black and white story to me, you heard it from the horses mouth... He loved Kenyan coffee and is probably in a hotel suite reading my newspaper. Kenya guess where he is?"
In 1998 at the age of 80, Harold Holiday sold his newspaper to Wikimedia and donated a large part of his fortune to charity. He only wanted a simple mention when he died but insisted in his will that his remains be placed in between the legs of a well known actress - also deceased. His request stated: Oh well, I'm gone... Off to write news in the place where we all go... Just in case, put me in between the legs of * in case our bones are where we go. Plus, the mess would give Howard a fit. H.H
Harold Holiday died in 1999. A film documenting Harold Holiday's life is in production and will be released next year. We hope you will watch the film detailing the events in an extraordinary life. Scottish actor Gerard Butler plays Holiday and Lindsay Lohan will hopefully play the skeleton at the end - or just the close up shots of the crotch. We are "pride" to carry on the work of publishing's first megastar.