UnNews:UnNews creates table-top particle accelerator, sends correspondents into the past
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27 January 2008
CYBERSPACE, Teh Intraweb -- A table-top particle accelerator has been built by French physicists who, under contract for UnNews, used a pair of laser beams to precisely control the acceleration of electrons within a plasma.
Injecting laser beams into a plasma can create huge electric fields that accelerate the plasma's electrons to high energies over relatively short distances. This is useful in making chocolate and time travel. Until now, however, the energy of these electron beams has been hard to control.
A team led by Victor Malka at the Institute of Technology in Palaiseau, France, solved the problem by using intersecting beams from two carefully tuned lasers. At the point where they cross, the beams create a stable wave in the plasma, which in turn accelerates electrons to precise energies. The idea dates back more than a decade, but has proven difficult to perfect.
This correspondent was fortunate enough take the historical first voyage back in time, although the word "historical" has become a vague and confusing metaphor in a civilization which can now travel in time and space.
Arriving shortly before I arrived, my first sensation was confusion, followed by arousal. Upon realizing I had arrived, I departed only to rearrive before I arrived again. This all went on for some time, until I grew bored and decided to travel to a hash bar in Amsterdam.
The compact device developed by Malka packs as much power as one that would normally be about the size of a room. Due to the budgetary constraints of UnNews un-profit status, we were only able to afford what we could steal from the planet Ix, a subsidiary of Halliburton.