UnNews:UnNews authors warned not to mention pork

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UnNews authors warned not to mention pork

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14 January 2015

Mr. Natural

The "Doodah man," the Prophet (pbuh) of the Reefer Generation, was never targeted by a Muslim fatwa.

WIKIA CITY, California -- UnNews has warned authors of submissions not to mention pigs or pork, so as to avoid offending Muslims or Jews.

The action follows a similar policy memo from scholarly Oxford University Press, which said their books must consider other cultures and avoid mentioning pigs or "anything else which could be perceived as pork." For example, government spending included by a Congressman to favor a specific campaign contributor should henceforth use another term. "Diddy-wah-diddy," a vague term coined by Mr. Natural (pictured), should do fine.

BBC Radio 4 presenter Jim Naughtie disclosed the Oxford ban and called it a "ludicrous joke," making it natural for adoption by UnNews. A Muslim who read the UnNews Front Page and encountered a story about pig meat would surely start planning the execution-style murder of cartoonists like the recent massacre at the Paris offices of Charlie Hebdo, or advising other faithful believers on how to build bombs and sneak them past Jetway Security. Offended Jews, for their part, would also bring down airliners and skyscrapers, probably using their Ninja tefillin. And it would all be our fault.

A spokesperson for the Jewish Leadership Council told a London newspaper that "Jewish law prohibits eating pork, not the mere mention of the word, you pig." Oxford itself told another newspaper, "Our commitment to academic excellence in our educational publications is absolute. Except for the pig thing." For Muslims to whom paper itself is "perceived as pork," Oxford recommended the thinly-sliced-turkey editions of its courseware.

"Spam," which includes pork shoulder, is presumably also taboo, and Admins should not refer to spambots as such when banning them, as they could be Muslim. They should use ban rationales less likely to immediately result in murder, such as, "Valued contributor."

In related diddy-wah-diddy news, trendy restaurant chain Chipotle removed multiple items from its dinner menu after a routine audit of one of its vendors revealed that the relevant animals were being treated inhumanely. Chipotle requires them to be allowed free movement with outdoor access and attractive views of the seaside, before being slaughtered so that we can eat their meat. As Chipotle policy says portraits should be tasteful, and not merely prints of dogs playing poker and the like, the vendor will purchase Renoir prints to decorate suites occupied by its future burrito toppings.

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