UnNews:UnNews announces launch of UnValentine’s Day
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UnNews announces launch of UnValentine’s Day
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, August 28, 2015, 07:42:UTC)(
11 February 2008
UNNEWS, Teh Intarwbe -- Following months of eager anticipation from men and women across the world, UnNews has today announced the launch of UnValentine’s Day. UnNews’ chief propaganda executive, Dave, made the following statement from his underground cave in Sweden. "This momentous day will become a permanent fixture in the lives of countless millions of people, who for years have suffered in silence every February 14th."
"But this day is not just for single losers who sit alone in their grotty bedsit with a warm plate of microwave macaroni, it is also for those unfortunate souls who remain trapped in pointless and doomed relationships."
Dave has released a list of the types of people who are most likely to want to join in the celebrations of UnValentine’s Day:
- Men whose wives have put on more than two stone since they were married.
- Women whose husbands have put on more than three stone since they were married.
- Gay people.
- Couples who have sex only three times a year (two birthdays and Valentine’s Day).
- People who plan to leave their partners right after Valentine’s Day .
- Married couples who stay together ‘for the kids’.
Those who wish to partake in UnValentine’s Day are being advised to try one or more of the following activities:
- Send someone you hate an UnValentine’s card, to show them just how much you hate them.
- Rather than chocolates and flowers, send a bag full of razor blades, or put small pieces of glass in some chocolate. Use your imagination.
- For men who fall into categories one or six above, refuse to go to that expensive restaurant on February 14th, and spend the money on a case of Stella instead. You can then enjoy a restful evening by the TV.
- For women who fall into category four, let him spend all his hard earned cash in that expensive restaurant but keep those legs firmly shut when it comes to bedtime. You may need a good excuse, so try to think of something more believable than the usual ‘headache’. Herpes should work in this instance.
- For women whose husbands choose to enjoy a restful evening by the TV with a can of Stella on Thursday, try having an affair, possibly with your local UnNews reporter.
As well as being embraced by the working classes across the globe, UnValentine’s Day has also attracted much attention from politicians and celebrities, with a number of well known faces intending to participate. These include President George W Bush, who will send an UnValentine’s card to every single American citizen, and Paul McCartney, who plans to punch Heather in the face.