UnNews:UnNews Special Report: Terrorists in your spinach
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UnNews Special Report: Terrorists in your spinach
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, May 29, 2016, 07:52:UTC)(
15 September 2006
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Terror alert level: Moss green
CENTERS FOR DISEASE CONTROL, Smeggary, Georgia -- Federal health officials and the Department of Homeland Security warn not to eat fresh bagged spinach today or the rest of the week because the spinach may contain terrorists.
According to the report, at least one person has died from a spinach-related suicide bombing, and 65 others have been harmed by stomach cramps and bloody stool caused by the microscopic terrorists poking the victims with tiny spears.
The terrorist group, Al Coli, claims responsiblility for the attacks. Their leader, known only as Ahbeg Cramp, sent a video this morning praising the attacks of his fellow microscopic terrorists.
"Foolish Americans! What will you do without your spinach to make you stronger! Praise Allah for their weakness! Now is the time to strike! Allah will spit your souls from the highest tower, infidels! Enjoy your scurvy!"
In response to the attacks, President Bush is currently pushing for a bill to tap communications within all bags of spinach. "This is a matter of national security. We can't allow dem terrorists to hide in our spinach! That's the last straw! It's time we pasteurized dem terrorists. YEE-HAW!"
Added Bush, "America, don't open your fresh spinach, as delicious and nutritious as it might seem. If we leave the terrorists in the bag, eventually the freshness will expire, the terrorists will suffomacate, and America will be a little bit safer for everyone."