UnNews:OpEd Columns Editorials Letters

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Letters to the Editor and Columns.

UnNews would be a sad excuse for a news agency if we didn't have Editorials and a feedback column. Our Janitors Closet is a forum for the intelligentsia among UnNews readers, a place to piss and moan, or to praise us for our outstanding critical thinking skills as journalists. Letters may even be answered in the event an editor can found who cares. For those of you who don't remember newspapers, OpEd is short for Opinion Editorial.[1][2]

  1. No, it isn't. It means the page opposite the editorial page. That is, OpEd means exactly Columns, Mr. Redundancy. Signed, SPIKE
  2. Oh, piss off you anal-retentive amateur librarian. Signed, Zim_ulator

Reductio ad Hitlerum:
Guest editorials by notable figures, such as Sarah Palin, Jesuszilla, etc..

UnNews Column Reductio ad Hitlerum by guest columnist SARAH PALIN - The lame-stream media is very lame
Sad palin

Hi Uncyclopedia, I appreciate speaking directly to you, the people who voted for me in 2008, against that hope-y, change-y guy. People who know me know that besides faith and family and my rifle, there's nothing more important to me than my loyal supporters.

As I sit here on this resplendent Alaska morning, the smell of a freshly baked pie wafting delicately beneath my nose, I am reminded by that wholesome aroma of the hope and perseverance that is the American spirit. But, today, I have a less pleasant subject to talk about. Today, I want to talk to you about the lame-stream media.

Liberty-loving patriots all throughout our great nation know that the lame-stream media is very, very lame. Golly, I can hardly watch the lame-stream media without thinking, "Well, aren't you just so lame!" Any conservative could see that the lame-stream media gives that hope-y, change-y guy in the White House a free pass for all his dirty tricks and his underhanded dealings. But they've been out to get me since day one! For example, they posted a horrifying, sexist picture of me wearing shorts. When I posed for that picture, I would have been appalled if I had known it would fall into the hands of the lame-stream media! But it did, and the lame-stream media sent pictures all over America of me in a pair of shorts. That's how lame they are. They're lame, and they're sexist. more...



UnNews ATBF Column News from another universe - Sweet smoking Messiah returns

SMACK WATER, Kentucky -- With smoke and fire, thunder and lightning, Jesus descended today in this small, back-woods hamlet today with a revelation for mankind. "Spark 'em up, dudes and dudettes," exclaimed a red-eyed, Sweet smoking Jesus from atop His chariot of clouds.

A crowd of confused Briars, hicks and other rednecks gathered around the Lord to praise Him, and to thank Him for personally landing in this sleepy hollow of 203 souls. Jesus then produced a recyclable plastic 2 liter bottle of spring water with a flourish, tapped it three times with a finger and said "ta-da!" more...



UnNews Editorial: Apparently, any idiot can have a website
French Frog

THE INTERNET -- A mewling little twat doesn't think Uncyclopedia is funny. I say, "Big deal!" It's not like anybody cares about what some douche hack vomits onto virtual paper from his third eye, like third eye vomit.

He thinks British people, especially those from Yorkshire, are stupid. They actually believe that the French are a race of amphibians. They're so stupid, with their stupid in-jokes that even they don't think are funny.

And Uncyclopedia is so bad, they have published instructions about how to be funny and not just stupid. They are stupid too, and the worst. more...



ATBF Column - Be your own Prophet, cut out the middle man

RELIGION IS LIKE OCD for Americas personality. It makes people think, say, and do things many would probably rethink, if religion wasn't the natural enemy of critical thinking. The cure? Forget about all those non-Christian religions and philosophies. The 1980s are a horrible reminder of the aftermath of that sort of crap. In fact, we're still paying for it. [1]

That why last week when a Utah woman with an anime head had an alien burst from her abdomen, no one had a clue how to react. [2] It was like a replay of a thousand George Bush clones reacting to the attack on 9/11. There was a palpable silence, except for the poor womans anguished screams as the little monster bit and clawed its way through her organs.

My first instinct was to ask myself, "What would Jesus do?" My second instinct was to scream like a little girl. My third instinct was embarrassing, and I will not get into that here. Actually, I wasn't there, and the preceding was a little movie running through my mind. Dear reader, you may safely ignore this entire paragraph, you have my word. more...


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Janitors Closet:
Bitch, piss, and moan at your Janitorial Services Editor.
Click here to submit your letter

Dear Chief Janitorial Editor,
I have written an series of articles about the Illuminati, submitted it to UnNews, and then they seem to disappear. I can find no records that the articles ever existed. I suspect some sort of virus has invaded my computer and deleted the backed-up copies of my articles as well, but cannot as yet, prove it. A little help here?

Suzy Creamcheese

Dear Ms. Creamcheese,
Let me begin by saying you've got some sweet ass. We mean that in the nicest possible way. Really! When we see that tight butt, we always say, "I'd follow that ass to hell for a piece" We know this because there's a camera behind you. In fact, there are 7 cameras dispersed about the room, giving us pretty much a 360 view. That is because we're piggybacking on the Illuminati computer network. They don't even suspect we're doing it. They're pretty stupid.
Don't fret about your lost articles. We have recovered them from deletion by the Trilateral Commision, who operate at the behest of the Illuminati, and will publish them when the Cabal sees fit we feel it will make the strongest impact as journalism.

Yours in cleanliness and sanitation,

The Editorial Stiff

Dear Chief Janitorial Editor, Uncyclopedia et al.
So, who cares if I don't return. I'll make this short. I have nothing funny to add or to write about anymore. Don't be e-mailing me or looking for me online because all I will do is just plain fuckin' ignoring you little shits! Anyway, have fun insulting one another & pissing on any article you wish to change. I won't be around nor will I ever be coming back to this site. I'm through, I'm done, & I'm outta here!!!!!!

See ya around, trolls!

Dear JGordon,
As always, delighted to hear from a complete and utter douche bag. I am particularly pleased that you want us to leave you alone, in compliance with Uncyclopedia Rule 88, Section 3 How To Get On With Life, which reads, "In the event that a user decides to become an UnUser, just bloody well leave the mewling little git alone." No one is quite sure what that means, or if it indeed exists.
If you don't like it, you can sit on my lap face down, blow me, suck the free end of my throbbing member, et cetera, etcetera.
  1. Witness Jonestown, Waco, cantaloupe.
  • This may or may not have happened.
  • Hygienically yours,

    The Editorial Stiff

    Dear Chief Janitorial Editor,
    Is there a Mrs. Chief Janitorial Editor? Perhaps you would like to meet my sister. She is very nice. She can pull plow and milk cow. Her vagin [sic] is tight like BP oil rig.


    Dear CE8eYGaz,
    I never divulge my marital status, as I find it counters my efforts to get laid more. As for your sister, I would like to know more about your offer. As fate would have it, I've been considering starting a dairy farm in my back yard. I also plan to grow much of my own cattle feed. I am in a position to offer a modest sum for a long-term lease of contract labor.
    Being ignorant of the oil trade jargon, I wonder, is "vagin" a technical term associated with oil drilling? And, if so, are you making veiled references to some sort of sexual act or acts? Because, if this is so, I am at a complete loss as to what exactly you are talking about, and whether it's good or bad. Please elaborate. You can use the same e-mail address to send photos, terms and a brief resume and list of acceptable sex acts, with and without barn animals. Cheers!

    Yours in cleanliness and sanitation,

    The Editorial Stiff

    Dear Chief Janitorial Editor,
    Why are you such a Nazi fuck? You're like Mussolini, telling everybody to shot the fuck up. I hate you. You suck. You can't tell me what to do.

    A Concerned Citizen

    Dear Concerned & Stupid,
    I've been inspired to write an article about a twat who invokes Godwin's Law, without having a clue as to it's meaning. Oh, wait... that's you! Invoking Reductio ad Hitlerum as a way to bolster your argument makes you look like an idiot [1]. You're obviously one of those self-important, mewling douche bags trying to pass as insightful and above the judgment of others. We're on to you, buddy. This is a community, dickbag. Disrespecting admins, like disrespecting anybody in general, will ultimately make you the loser. The only real difference, as far as you should be concerned, is that I and other admins can ban you permanently if I feel like it. Fair warning; stop being such a dick. Cheers!
    P. S. I'm the pretentious douche bag around here. Got that?
    1. Concerned Citizen singing the praises of reverting Admins

    Janitorially yours,

    The Editorial Stiff

    Dear Janitors Closet,
    Why don't you just fuck off and die?

    Dear Reader,
    Why don't you.

    Janitorially yours,

    The Editorial Stiff

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