UnNews:UnNews Media has "turned to shit"

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14 April 2008

Child drawing

a Recent 'rejected' editorial from the Global Affairs department of UnNews Media

London, England - Following a recent downturn in the economy, and cutbacks in media funding worldwide, many were left wondering what would be held in the future for many major news and media outlets. The public were assured by UnNews Media Productions Inc. that there would be no cutbacks, and no employees would be made redundant and that expansions in technology would press on no matter how fucking hopeless things seemed. Seriously, they said, even if it looks like we're all screwed, things will continue.

It was revealed today after their first quarterly announcement to analysts, that this was indeed, bullshit.

UnNews has in fact fired over 70% of their editorial team (mostly unpaid interns) and replaced them with 5-12 year olds from Guatemala, analysts immediately asked how much of a saving this has resulted in for the company, whereupon, CEO Todd Lyons admitted savings were significantly less than anticipated; and were actually around a gross margin of 30-40% only. Lyons later admitted he was drunk and thought he was talking to an imaginary purple squirrel named Benny.

Incidentally, it was revealed that the reason for this is that the majority of the new workforce are in fact either illiterate, or demand the use of crayons to draft their stories, many of which have to be rewritten several times before any trace of smiley faces, or occasionally crude outlines of penises and scrotums are gone. Dumbass retards.

As a direct result, the company has pledged to once again endeavour to replace its staff where possible, though many of the previous workforce are strangely missing and presumed retarded, and the official company balance sheet does indicate that none of the original employees were paid their severance packages, save for one Mr. Garcia.

UnNews continues to maintain that it is the first and foremost news vendor in the western world, with some of the most up-to-date ground-breaking news available and insists that this setback has not prevented them from remaining at the forefront of modern technology. When reached for comment, an UnNews spokesman would only say "Everything I say is a lie, including this sentence."

Despite this, outspoken critics have voiced their discontent at UnNews Media and believe that this recent smear on its credibility will hurt their long-term readership base, among which, many students and middle-aged white collar employees who contribute to UnNews Media's ad revenue will likely move to other competing services such as The Onion. Those bunch of worthless circle jerking fuckers.

Investors are shaky also after this revelation though the market cap was only reduced by a mere $150M; some are calling for the replacement of the current CEO or for the introduction of new board members, in any case, please stay tuned to UnNews for more updates as they break on this story. WILLIES.

Also, it is noted that Wikipedia has also turned to shit.

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