Ball gag

The patented UnNews Audio microphone gives expression to artists who have always wanted to "work with a strap-on."

UnNews Audio is a division of UnNews that produces audio recordings of individual articles. This achieves two purposes:

  • On the assumption that there are millions of people who surf to Uncyclopedia every day, but hate to read or even look at the pictures, this gives them something. (Uncyclopedia users who hate both written and spoken English are, for the time being, still S.O.L.)
  • More regular Uncyclopedia fans, who have always wanted to put a face to a username, can now at least put a voice to it, and go, "Coo! didn't know s/he sounded like that!".

Recent UnNews Audio ± Podcast | Archive.

How to use UnNews AudioEdit

How to listenEdit

Boiler Room

The massive equipment that transmits UnNews Audio is located in the basement of the headquarters building at One UnNews Centre.

All UnNews Audio releases are audio in the MP3 format, in files with file type .mp3. There is a list (above and also on the UnNews front page) of the most recent UnNews Audio releases. Clicking on the headline sends the audio file to your computer.

What happens then depends on what your web browser has been instructed to do with .mp3 files. Normally, a program you have selected, such as Media Player, Real Player, or Winamp, will be activated and the news report will automatically start playing on your computer's speakers. However, your web browser might be set instead to store the .mp3 file on the disk and you might have to take additional action to play the audio.

How to get dibs on an articleEdit

So there is an UnNews article you are interested in broadcasting? It is vanishingly unlikely that two Uncyclopedians will want to do the same article. However, a "lock" signal ensures that you have dibs on it.

To assert exclusive rights to broadcast an article, edit it and add the following line at the start: {{RecordingInProgress|YourName}} or {{RIP|YourName}}

Please don't lock an article for more than 4 hours, but complete recording and uploading by then.

How to authorEdit

Create an .mp3 file with your audio in any way that is most convenient for you. Tips:

  • Make the name of the MP3 file descriptive. It makes it easier to code citations to it if you will do the following:
    • Begin the filename with UnNews-- (with two hyphens!) to indicate, within the File: namespace, that the file pertains to UnNews.
    • Make the filename identical to the story's headline.
  • Music-quality MP3 files aren't necessary for voice, and are larger than necessary. Read Spike's technical notes for tips on what settings to use.
  • In some Audios, a different speaker, a different accent, or a different background noise is used for quotations. Otherwise, say "quote" before the quotation, and "unquote" afterward.
  • You need not read the UnNews story literally:
    • When reading a quotation, you may want to turn the sentence around so that you introduce the speaker before you read the quotation. It's pleasing in written English to break the quotation into two parts, but this doesn't flow well in speech.
    • Some paragraphs need not be read at all--especially when they make a comparison or use figures that need to be seen to be understood.
    • You may also leave out some material to limit the length of the audio feature.

Then upload the MP3 file with your audio.

How to tell people you've recorded a storyEdit

In the story

Edit the story again. Delete any lock template you inserted before (see above), and add the following as the first line:


This puts a legend in the text file advising readers that an audio version is available.

Preview the article and be sure you see the legend, and that there are no red-links. This ensures that you correctly typed the name of your audio file.

In {{RecentUnNewsAudio}}

Finally, edit {{RecentUnNewsAudio}}. This template is the list of the most recent audio features, as shown at the top of this page. Following the recommendations at the start of the template, and imitating the format of existing entries, add an entry for your article at the top of the list. You'll be adding a line of the following form:

exact-name-of-your-audio-file.mp3|Article headline|UnNews:Name of text version|

Delete one entry at the bottom of the list so it contains the same number of entries as before.

If you change the name of anything, also update the above files.

Notes for Admins

The template {{InlineMedia}} puts a legend (Gnome-speakernotes listen) in-line that an audio version is available. You supply the name of the audio file (omitting both File:UnNews-- and .mp3). If the narrator did not name the file in compliance with our conventions, rename the file or read the template's documentation and code accordingly. There will be plenty of time in which to ban the narrator.

  • If you edit {{Lead articles}} to advertise the story on the Front Page, add {{InlineMedia}} after the double dash.
  • If you edit {{RecentUnNews}} to advertise the headline on the website main page, add {{InlineMedia}} after the headline (but outside the boldface).

How to get someone else to record a storyEdit

UN:AUDIO is a collection of requests for recording, for UnNews articles and other materials. You can write a request there and see if anyone wants to do the recording.

The UnNews TeamEdit

Editors-in-Chief of UnNews
Icons-flag-ca Sir Todd Lyons Goldstein award Goldstein award Goldstein award Creator of UnNewsAudio and Executive Producer in Absentia
Icons-flag-us Rev. Zim_ulator Foolitzer Goldstein award Goldstein award Goldstein award Goldstein award Editor Emeritus[1] (2007-2010)
Gadsden Spike Foolitzer×3 Goldstein award×10 Served without title (2010-2011)
Icons-flag-us TheHumbucker Served without title; ceased to serve after asking for title and not getting it[2]
Icons-flag-ca Mattsnow By acclamation and by default
Icons-flag-gb Romartus 2013, Lord Steward of UnNews
Gadsden Spike 2013- (Everyone who cares about titles has left)
  1. Emeritus is Latin for "out of merit," though still with plenty of Absinthe
  2. Our motto: "No good deed goes unpunished"

Broadcast StaffEdit

Icons-flag-us Sir Brad Frasier Goldstein award: Consultant
Icons-flag-gb Sir Codeine: European Correspondent
Icons-flag-usIcons-flag-gb Sir Dawg: Bi-continental US and UK Correspondent
Icons-flag-us emc Foolitzer: North American Correspondent, Writer
Icons-flag-gb Sir Elvis: European Correspondent
Icons-flag-us Sir Hinoa: Occasional US Correspondent
Icons-flag-us Lady Keitei: US Correspondent, Writer
Icons-flag-us L.J. Lego, KBE: US Correspondent, Writer
Icons-flag-il MordilloFoolitzerGoldstein awardGoldstein awardGoldstein award: Middle Eastern Correspondent, low quality mike holder and bad accents extraordinaire.
Icons-flag-gb Sir Olipro FoolitzerGoldstein award: European Correspondent, Writer, Podcast Maintainer, Got Pwned by Zim
Icons-flag-us Sir Rangeley Goldstein award: US Correspondent, Writer
Icons-flag-us Sir Severian Goldstein award: US Correspondent, Writer
Icons-flag-us The UnIdiot FoolitzerGoldstein award: US Correspondent, Writer
Icons-flag-us Zana Dark Goldstein award: US Correspondent, alleged female

Icons-flag-gb Braydie Goldstein award: UK Correspondent
Icons-flag-us Contestant: US Correspondent
Oman flag Fezzul: European Correspondent (with certain Middle Eastern entanglements)
Icons-flag-gb Flyingfeline Goldstein award: UK Correspondent and occasional writer
Icons-flag-gb FreeMorpheme: European Correspondent
Icons-flag-gbIcons-flag-au David Gerard: London Correspondent (Australian), Writer
Icons-flag-nzIcons-flag-au GreaseMonkey: Oceania Correspondent (New Zealand, Australia, Polynesia), Writer, Drama Student, Accent Impersonator (Ey wahnt seex bottles of woine mayte.)
Icons-flag-us Insineratehymn: US Correspondent
Icons-flag-us Jobot37: US Correspondent
Icons-flag-ca Jules Ismail (aka The Roachy Jay): Canadian at heart, notable Internet personality
Icons-flag-ca Kenvalyi Goldstein award: Canadian Correspondent, Typist
Icons-flag-us MichaelHax: US Correspondent, Attention Whore
Icons-flag-us MNM5150: US Correspondent, worst microphone ever
Icons-flag-gbIraq flag 1 NeoZidane Goldstein award: UK and Middle Eastern Correspondent (you know, that place with crazy Arabs and bombs and oil)
Icons-flag-us NickJonesUSA: US Correspondent (briefly NickLucas)
Icons-flag-us RAHB Goldstein award Goldstein award : US Correspondent, writer
Icons-flag-us SirIsaac: US Correspondent, inarticulate
Icons-flag-us SirNuke: US Correspondent
Icons-flag-us Gustav SysRq: US Correspondent, Writer
Icons-flag-ca Zombiebaron Goldstein award: Undead Correspondent; on sabbatical

Other writers whose stuff got broadcastEdit