UnNews:UnFox Reports: lunatic Islamic terrorist takes over Egypt
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
UnFox Reports: lunatic Islamic terrorist takes over Egypt
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, June 24, 2017, 19:15:UTC)(
25 June 2012
Cairo, Egypt -- The question that should be on everyone's lips at the moment is "will Egypt be the new Afghanistan"? Today UnFox Reports brings you inside Egypt and the election of its new and threateningly Muslim President Mohammed Mursi. A week and a half ago Egyptians stopped burning American flags for just long enough to go to the polls and the results announced yesterday put the 'Islamic Brotherhood' [sic. terrorist] candidate into office. Concerns are now mounting as to what the future will hold for Egypt as the Muslim Brotherhood's fanatical, deviant and downright dangerous ways begin to take their insidious hold on the country. Many are predicting that the extreme hardline stance of the new regime will plunge the country into a neo-feudal Taliban style state.
UnFox Reports went to speak to leading right-wing foreign affairs think tank Hope for American Traits and Enterprise (HATE). Middle East analyst Emmanuel Felchenberger had this to say: "Well I think what is most likely is that the country will take a turn for the worst. We are likely to see a swing towards a very heavy handed Islamism that will include stoning women for making flat bread incorrectly and Sharia law will be instituted. I should imagine that the biggest concern for everyone, and one that should override any democratic process, is that the country will become a terrorist haven. I should imagine that every town and village will have some sort of terrorist training camp in it." UnFox Reports asked how far this support extends to the population. "Well I would imagine that support for anti-western sentiments and covert operations is nearly unanimous. Now this is the most populous Arab state, so once you rule out children, the old and the infirm we are left with at least 50 million terrorists according to our calculations." After running UnFox's demographic simulation this means that the country could be crippled by a so-called 'brain drain' as a huge wave of the population commit suicide bombings abroad.
The candidate himself is ruthlessly ambitious and has already showed his true colours. Mursi announced that he would form a government for all Egyptians "to strengthen our national unity". The clear subtext here is that he is creating an ultra-nationalist front that would seek to destroy American ideals and interests. His clear majority in the elections over former regime candidate Ahmed Shafiq shows that his evil militias were able to roam the streets strong-arming people into voting for him and even making international observers call the vote fair. What is more worrying is that he is educated, even going so far as to infiltrate USC and gain a doctorate. This intimate knowledge of how the United States functions will no doubt be used for extensive plotting.
Concerns are also rising that Egypt may destabilise the whole region, particularly threatening America's bestest ally in the whole Middle East, Israel. The complete lack of evidence as to how Egypt will react to Israel means it is imperative to increase military aid to Israel and begin dramatic and unnecessarily aggressive posturing towards Egypt, a position that UnFox supports whole heartedly.
Much-maligned and soon-to-be-one-term President Obama has unfortunately missed this threat sending a press release congratulating this deadly threat and hoping for "mutual respect". It would seem that the White House has unfortunately been taken in by President Mursi's statement on Sunday that he brings a "message of peace" to the world. America cannot stand idly by and must use its relationship with the Egyptian Army to overthrow Mursi and install an illegitimate dictator in his place. This clear strategy has afforded peace, stability and the best solution for the people of the Middle East in the past, especially under previous Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak.
- BBC "Egypt's president-elect Mursi begins forming government". BBC, 25 June, 2012