Your birthday this week: Virgo! Virgos are retreating, blasphemous, neurotic hoseheads with a fondness for projectile vomiting at people they dislike. They are prone to fits of pique and serial animal rape, and are frequently caged for the delight of, and the derision by, the public. Keep hands and feel clear of the mouth when feeding. Some good career choices for a Virgo include Foley artist, Senator, sword maker, banana tallier, cantor, recluse and ferryman.
- Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Your house is haunted and you smell like pork and Romaine lettuce. This is a good week to goad your father into killing your whole family.
- Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - You should have paid the extra ten dollars for stainless steel. Your sub-standard rings are causing a massive nipple infection as you read this.
- Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Prepare for the robot uprising this week. You'll be too busy running soon.
- Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Pay closer attention when ordering gifts on the internet, like teddy bears. Right now your 8 year old niece is opening your present, a teddy. Your brother is so going to kick your ass.
- Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Several people want to kill you. Pack an extra handkerchief this week. There is a good chance your nose will be broken.
- Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - That embarrassing flatulence problem can be controlled by diet. Try shoving a dryer sheet up your ass. Play the lottery on Wednesday.
- Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Avoid the French, polar bears and politics this week. Consider taking up falconry to attract chicks. Metallica is writing a song about you.
- Aries (March 20 - April 19) - Your doppleganger robbed a liquor store and killed 6 people last week. Don't be surprised when the police pay you a visit. Do not answer the door with a gun in your hand or on your person.
- Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - This week, avoid being eaten or struck by lightening. You may be hit by a meteorite on Friday. You smell like Irwin Rommel.
- Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - You will be poisoned on Saturday, either by a coworker or a romantic rival. Stay near a hospital if possible. Get a fun tattoo!
- Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Do something about that back hair before apes start noticing you. Warming a melon in the microwave, putting a wig on it and drilling a hole does not constitute a date. 
- Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - The world would be a nicer place without most of you around, mucking things up. Why don't you all just go live on some big, dumb island together and fuck off!
- ↑ Credit to comedian Whitney Cummings for the original joke.