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Umunna: Labour Party ‘chav cheap trash’

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17 July 2015


Umunna accuses Labour of being too chavvy and working class to appeal to the chavs and the working class.

BROUGHTON CASTLE, Oxford -- Labour shadow business secretary Chuka Umunna has accused his Labour colleagues of being chav cheap trash, peasants and ugly, based on their poor general election performance and appalling etiquette.

Umunna rose to fame in May, when he volunteered for Party leadership after Labour’s humiliating defeat. However, he stood down after only 48 hours, because he was too posh. In an interview today, Umunna blamed Labour’s incommodious defeat on fellow ministers being a “bunch of bottom-of-the-barrel, unwashed pond scum.”

The outburst came after the well-heeled Streatham MP invited senior Labour Party ministers to his castle in Oxfordshire for a relaxing evening of fine dining. The shadow business secretary prides himself not just on shadow business but on having the best Michelin-starred chefs in Europe and a team of first-class waiters.

The evening did not get off to a flying start when Umunna had to lay on his personal helicopter, after he got a message that most of his guests were “delayed” at the Dog and Ferret in Clapham.

Umunna said: “Half of them turned up 1 hour and 10 minutes late. The rest were in the middle of a darts match, but said that, if I send a helicopter or whatever, they should be done in twenty minutes. When the remainder of the shadow cabinet arrived, plus another eight “guests” from the pub, they declined the thousand-pound beluga caviar and lobster starter, having just "smashed" some egg and chips.

“I laid on Kobe beef as a main course — the most expensive beef in the world. Kobe cattle are fed on beer and have a daily massage with sake, for Heaven’s sake. Harriet Harman was so inebriated, she sent the Kobe beef back, saying she always has steak well done, then demanded a side-order of battered onion rings and Diane sauce. Yes, Diane sauce. My French chef threatened to resign on the spot! The woman then went on to demand a discount on her bill! Bloody peasants demanding money off the bill, as usual, despite there not even being a bill!

“What a bunch of chav, cheap-trash morons,” the shadow business secretary concluded, “turning up over an hour late, drunk and bringing half the pub with them. It is appalling that not a single member of Labour has seen fine dining in their lives. How are they ever going to regain respect from the working classes like this?”

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