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Ukraine's lost paradise Crimea becomes parking lot

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20 March 2014


The military exercise required that maps of the region be reissued.

YALTA, Crimea -- Angela Merkel today said that the G8 summit will be abandoned immediately. She and fellow world leaders Vladimir Putin, Barack Obama, and David Cameron assembled here to explain the New World Order after the demise of the group of eight leading superpowers. Their first decision was to agree to make the freed Crimea the world's largest and securest parking lot.

The magnates and oligarchs of Russia, who have collected many luxury cars such as Hummers, Ferraris and Rolls Royces, will now be able to park them on the Crimea in absolute safety and in perfect climate.

The Red Army will recruit the indigenous Crimean Tartars as parking attendants. Ethnic Ukrainians will be deported from the island to Siberia to keep them from soaping windshields and to avoid other nationalist mischief. Security for this parking lot of the nouveau riche will be provided by the Russian Black Sea navy, which will arrest potential car thieves. Any enemy's access to the island will be thwarted by three fully armed aircraft carriers and a dirty dozen of old Soviet nuclear submarines full of atomic bombs on strategic missiles.

But officials in Greece protested the move. They said Greece's future depended on the former G8's decision to make that country the designated parking lot for the luxury vehicles of European bankers.


Jim Heintz and David Rising "EU mulls further sanctions on Russia over Crimea". Associated Press, March 20, 2014