|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
18 April 2009
A fat, old, hideous, Scottish woman waddled onto the stage last weekend on the hit show Britain's Got Talent. Sweat streamed from her corpulent face as she faced the jeering crowd, the judges laughed contemptuously as she attempted to wipe her balloon like face with an old, tattered, tartan handkerchief.
And what are you going to be singing today?
Before she could answer, judge Piers Morgan buzzed her off the stage, exclaiming ; ' I don't want fat chicks on my show! ' . The audience roared with laughter. Susan twitched around nervously, probably reaching around for a marsbar she had lodged between the flabs of her disgusting stomach.
'Ah wahnt tae be a star! '
The Judges leaned forward, spitting out their caviar in shock, the audience members rolled their eyes incredulously and began preparing an imprompteu guillotine to cleanse the disgusting abomination from the face of the earth.
What happened next shocked the whole world. This fat old bitch, this degenerate, or, freak if you will, actually had a sort-of good voice! Several members of the audience were so shocked that they literally exploded. The token woman presenter began to sob.
' You're an inspiration, you know that, you're an inspiration to all those disgusting poor people out there! '
The audience cheered and swarmed the stage, they lifted Boyle onto their shoulders and paraded her around the streets of Glasgow, or Boylsegow as it is now to be called. The Boylesgowins then began chiselling a statue of Boyle's hideous likeness out of a solid chunk of Italian marble.
Celebrities from as far away as the US of States like Ashton Kutcher began to jump on the bandwagon, pretending that they gave a shit for some reason. Comedian Jay Leno even went as far as to parody Susan's performance, needless to say he was assassinated the next day.
Lisa Schwarzbaum, writer for US celebrity magazine Entertainment Weekly wrote 'In our pop-minded culture so slavishly obsessed with packaging - the right face, the right clothes, the right attitudes, the right Facebook posts - the unpackaged artistic power of the fat, retarded, virgin Ms Boyle let me feel, for the duration of one blazing showstopping ballad, the meaning of human grace.' She then proceeded to stab herself in the heart in honour of Mrs Boyle, but miraculously survived when she realised it had disappeared years ago.
Realising that there was a market for chubby chasers and disillusioned housewives, Simon and Piers reversed their opinion on the fat bitch, Cowell took a break from diving into his swimming pool of money to comment 'Uh yeah I really misjudged her, she taught us all a lesson. Don't judge a book by its cover, even if the book makes you want to wretch just by looking at it'