UnNews:Ugly Child Abducted, Quickly Returned
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Ugly Child Abducted, Quickly Returned
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, February 14, 2016, 10:29:UTC)(
21 July 2008
NEW YORK, New York: Earlier this week, Leopold Herman, age 12, was abducted off the streets of the city as he walked home by himself from a local store. Within two hours of his reported disappearance, he was returned to his home by the man who had abducted him.
When questioned by police, the man divulged the details of Leopold's journey. "I was just looking for some kid to rape, maybe murder," said thirty six year old Brendan Moore. "So I just grabbed this one off the street. It was dark and I couldn't see his face or anything, until I tied him up." Moore made a face of disgust with the memory and covered up the photo of Leopold that was lying on the desk in front of him. "God, what a face. And the annoying little shit just wouldn't shut his mouth. He thought we were playing a game or something, and that I was his friend. He actually managed to chew through the gag to keep talking."
Moore expressed regret at not being able to return the child home right away, due to Leopold's lack of cooperation. "I kept asking him where he lived, and now he decides that he 'shouldn't tell strangers where he lives.' But he just kept yammering on about all the stupid crap he does at school, his friends, blah, blah, blah. Finally, I just had to drive him around until he actually told me to drop him off." Moore then decided to turn himself in on his own behalf. "I don't want to have to go through something like this again... I'm traumatized for life."
Leopold, when asked about Moore, delighted in telling how they had become "best friends" and that he was planning to visit Moore in the jail all the time. "We had so much fun," he said. "We played cops and robbers the whole time, and I was the robber, and he tied me up and was asking me questions. It was great!" Leopold also expressed his hope that he would meet "more friends this way."
Since the instance, Moore has filed a restraining order against Leopold, though at press time, it has not been approved or disapproved yet.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|