UnNews:NATO affirms Afghan drawdown, warm fuzzy feelings
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NATO affirms Afghan drawdown, warm fuzzy feelings
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, September 3, 2015, 23:51:UTC)(
21 May 2012
Chicago, United States - In a summit declaration on Monday, US President Barack Obama and military representatives from over fifty NATO aligned nations ratified an "irreversible" roadmap to draw-down combat troops from the start of 2012 to around three to six misfits with deep regrets, shadowy pasts but ultimately good hearts.
In response to continued media interest, Pentagon representatives have issued a release, via the defense press office, explaining the reasoning behind the strategy.
- Week on week we are facing threats from the same few warlords, sending battalions of disturbingly similar looking foot-soldiers to do their dirty work, all while sitting in their underground hideouts and giving overblown speeches about our forthcoming doom. Really this strategy just seemed like the most logical course of action if we are to be present in Afghanistan for an indefinite period of time.
- This or we give the entire armed forces lycra suits.
- Due to operations in Iraq, particularly those within Baghdad jails, there have never been more disgraced former servicemen who just want a second chance to make proud the son they see only on weekends. The recent increase in drafting from urban areas has boosted the numbers of street-wise minorities within the force and allowed for the deployment of either mildly amusing zaniness or heart-warming bonding that prove so effective against insurgent forces.
- French President Hollande and other NATO leaders should also be eager to provide a few soldiers from their elite stereotype perpetuation forces if it allows them to appease their populace with traditional European non-committal.
- In light of current Whitehouse directives concerning nation building, the battalion would need to be integrated with wise-cracking rookie Afghan units or an adorable animal sidekick from the anarchic Youtube province.
- Projected casualties would be limited to anyone both prone to giving moral guidance and with a body that may be easily cradled by the most naive recruit as he swears vengeance. Well, him, or the one with glasses.
- Previous logistics of transporting supplies through Pakistani territory would be substituted for distribution by short elderly men, as items issued in this manner have proved vital in winning most battles, particularly when attached to some moralistic message that could be recalled and monologued. We have already lined up several allied sheiks who would be willing to assist via large hat wearing and koans about the poppy harvest.
- Though this so called "men with beards" method may not be quite as effective in Afghanistan...
- Since it renders them most effective against enemy leaders, our more potent weapons, such as high caliber bazookas and visiting politicians, would be airlifted into the most impractical and heavily guarded areas to be retrieved. Specifically, within the Helmand region.
- Hillary Clinton would be used to landing under this kind of danger, luckily.
The Pentagon press release concluded that current defense spending in Afghanistan would need to be maintained for the constant reconstruction effort, though funds could possibly be saved on military uniform fabric.
Some are concerned that the Taliban may be pursuing a similar tactical path, pointing out the disturbing number of socially awkward high schoolers drawn to Al Qaeda’s ranks and recalling how the French were driven from Indochina in 1954 by four similar teen mutants trained in martial arts and faster-than-sound delivery of haiku. However the United States Department of Defense was quick to dismiss the possibility, citing that the Taliban remained ideologically opposed to the empowerment and education of females in the vital areas of kung-fu and hot pants wearing.
Pakistani Taliban leader Jalaluddin Haqqani remained neutral about this chance to send more brainwashed followers to certain and well choreographed death. The head of the 5000 strong Haqqani network stated that there would be pressure upon him to step up insurgent plots and the associated videos cursing infidels to one an afternoon, though he would be pleased to do so if the "Great Satan" would kindly ship him some form of mechanical arm, as it did during the good times of the 80s. "Of course in the chaos I will always be able to turn again to my first love of growing pretty flowers," surmised Haqqani.
Others forsee the conflict becoming another Vietnam war, where rugged ladies man John F. Kennedy, bumbling amateur spy Richard Nixon and droning robot buddy Henry Kissinger would face off against legions of North Vietnamese fighters for 39 seasons only to see the conflict relegated to reruns before they could recover the amulet of respect on the world stage. Commander in Chief Obama has been quick to dismiss such concerns however, citing the successful mentoring roll the Coalition forces are already providing to the Afghan armed forces, "... we have never seen so many veterans struck down within a week of retirement by people they once trusted, it is truly promising."
On the issue, Commander Petraeus stated late today, “Our armed forces in Afghanistan remain firmly committed to delivering prosperity and democracy to Afghanistan for half an hour every weekday. From there we will see if we can’t extend that to an hour, or even two back to back during summer. Either way, it is important for everyone to remember it is the joys of participation, not national stability, which is the true reward.”
- Charles Ganon "Army, Marines could cut 150,000 troops, leaving only pre-teen boy to defend nation". Politico, May 20, 2012