UnNews:US troops ordered to treat Taliban with more respect after killing them
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US troops ordered to treat Taliban with more respect after killing them
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, July 5, 2015, 17:59:UTC)(
28 January 2012
Tehran, Afghanistan -- The General of the Army visited Tehran today and walked in on U.S troops teabagging dead Taliban soldiers. After shouting himself hoarse at them for "acting gay", the General shot himself in the foot and was taken back home to America. In America he had a discussion with Obama about passing a "NO TEABAGGING" law. Obama, having more pressing matters to worry about, asked for more information to be persuaded and abruptly left the room, stepping on the General's foot. Meanwhile, the American soldiers resumed their teabagging of the dead Taliban forces. An UnNews reporter was shoved in a box and was shipped to Afghanistan where he created a report about this teabagging issue.
He told us that 95.47% of all dead Taliban forces were teabagged by American troops. 3% of the dead Taliban were abused and put in humiliating positions, and the rest were sold on eBay to fund the Army. He also said that Osama bin Ladin was, in fact, teabagged by any soldier coming within 1000 ft (304.4 m) of his corpse. This was the information Obama needed to be persuaded, so we kept it hidden in a very deep hole in a lead safe with armed guards and we killed the UnNews reporter and hid the body (teabagging it of course). Nevertheless, the government found it and the order has been passed for U.S Troops to treat Taliban with more respect after killing them. This means no teabagging, no necrophilia, no mauling of corpses, no amusing positions, no selling of the corpses, no eating of the corpses, no filming of the corpses, and no shitting on the corpses. Of course, all of these things are allowed if and only if the Taliban member is alive.
The General's foot is recovering, however he shot himself in the other foot.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|