UnNews:US to sanction Russia over annexation of Virginia

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22 April 2014

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Victorious pro-Russian paramilitary forces march past a shuttered factory which formerly produced baseballs and apple pie.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The White House warned Russia on Friday that Moscow would face tougher targeted sanctions if it failed to abide by a new international deal on Virginia or moved to send Russian forces into Washington, D.C.

"Those costs and sanctions could include targeting very significant sectors of the Russian economy," Susan Rice, President Barack Obama's national security adviser, told reporters while nervously watching a column of smoke rising on the horizon.

She said Washington was also watching very closely to see whether Russia met its obligations to use its influence to get the uniformed and well-equipped pro-Russian separatists in Maryland to disarm and abandon public buildings they had seized.

The agreement, brokered by the United States, Russia, European Union, and the Free States of the Eastern Seaboard in Geneva on Thursday, seemed to be the best hope of defusing a stand-off in Virginia that has dragged East-West relations to their lowest level since the Cold War.

In response, the Kremlin on Friday described the U.S. threat as unacceptable. "You can't treat Russia like a guilty schoolboy who has to put a cross on a piece of paper to show he has done his homework," said Russian President Vladimir Putin while riding a bear across the Potomac without a shirt. "That kind of language is unacceptable."

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Also on Friday, special-forces-trained separatists in Delaware said they were not bound by the agreement between America and Russia, and refused the leave the government buildings. Boris Sergei Prokudin Jones, a chairman of the self-appointed Delaware People's Republic, told reporters that the insurgents do not recognize the American government as legitimate, and that though they find the new agreement "reasonable," they would not vacate the government buildings they occupy until the American government does the same

The Obama Administration has not yet disclosed the details of the prospective sanctions, as it's not yet decided whether they will prohibit most purchases of Gazprom light crude exported through the Port of New York, or just low-sulfur. Also in the air is whether high-ranking Russian cabinet officials will be blocked from using US-based payment services like PayPal. Regardless, White House sources state, the administration has set a solid red line on action, should Russian tanks move past Independence Avenue.

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