UnNews:US to put woman on $10 bill

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US to put woman on $10 bill

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18 June 2015

Rosa Parks

Rosa Parks, a candidate for the tenner, did not just found a nation but protested against it.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The U.S. Treasury announced that a woman will be on the $10 bill by the year 2020.

Just which woman was not specified, but it does not matter, just as long as it is a woman. Treasury Secretary Jack Lew said he was going to "spend a lot of time this summer listening to people." Coincidentally, a "listening tour" is the key campaign gimmick of likable, accomplished, inevitable Democratic Party presidential nominee Hillary Clinton, who by some accounts is a lady. A spokesman for the campaign addressed the identity of the portrait-ee, saying: "What difference — at this point — does it make?" — which is also currently the best argument for Ms. Clinton's candidacy.

The unspecified female will presumably take the place of Alexander Hamilton, rather than share the cameo. Hamilton, as well as being a Founding Father, chief architect of the Constitution, and the first Treasury Secretary, had the notoriety of participating in a duel in 1804. It is not clear what his replacement will have to accomplish, apart from menstruation.

Ms. Clinton herself — how surprising that you should ask! — could not be on the $10 bill herself, because federal law prevents giving that honor to any living person. However, President Obama, by all accounts, still has "a pen and a phone" and could issue a waiver of the law.

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UnNews Senior Editors are currently furiously fact-checking this related article:

US Treasury stalls new $10 bill

There has been no woman on U.S. currency since its inception, a fact that Constitutional scholar Lawrence Tribe could only ascribe to unanimous hatred by the male U.S. population, despite some of them being married to them.

However, advocates of other voting blocs were lining up for recognition on the currency. Homosexuals noted that there is no gay person on any U.S. banknote and, although the U.S. is about to declare for them a Constitutional right to have recognized as marriage the thing they do that is most nearly marriage, the nation has not done anything for them lately, unless one counts graciously declining to quarantine them all on an island until AIDS is cured. Left-handers, children with autism, bronies, illegal aliens, and exhibitionists are similarly absent from the currency, and all of them are anxious to get equal recognition without the burden of achieving comparable accomplishments.

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