UnNews:US to invade Canada
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US to invade Canada
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Sunday, August 20, 2017, 11:57:UTC)(
20 June 2009
In a press release Monday, President Obama announced that the US will in fact be invading Canada stating "The time has come to secure our borders and our culture from an ever present threat that is all so Canadian."
President Obama is reported to have gone back in time to meet with leaders of the Qin dynasty to discuss the building of an imprenatrable wall that will protect us whilst Capital Hill prepares a declaration of war. Henry Clay, the famous War Hawk of the War of 1812 (also known as the American Revolution II) has reportedly survived long enough to see this day finally come.
"I owe my longivity to Edward Cullen." Clay stated when questioned by press officials. When asked where he had been all these years Clay put out his adamantium claws and showed those watching that he had the ability to heal almost instantaneously, "My memory" he said "is gone, and all I've got are these dog tags that read 'WWJD'."
In relation to the upcoming invasion, the US has been installing missle towers to prepare for a pre-emptive strike agains the Frenglish speaking country. Tony Blair, former Prime Minister of England, is reportedly thrilled with America's decision.
"Somebody has to stop them from singing that thing they call an anthem. 'Oh Canada' makes me want to 'Oh kill myself'."
Canda's supreme spiritual leader: Ayatollah Ali Khamenei warned that "Eh, what's that all aboot?! We're not gonna take that shit from the States." Since the Ayatollah only spoke in traditional Arabic, his own people were unsure of what he was saying exactly.
The invasion is set to begin on February 30th and will commence with the dropping of NATO troops in barrels over Niagra Falls.
"It's time for a Nude Anal Fixation Touching Agreement." Former President Bill Clinton said of the bill he helped to create.
US citizens are also doing their part to beef up the war effort. Hannah Montana has been seen raising awareness amongst the Aryan population while the Jonas brothers have sold their promise rings and made a new series of 3D movies--all the profits are set to be donated the the D.O.D.