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23 March 2015

Time

Time will be a thing of the past, as well as the future.

AUSTIN, Texas -- Bills are being drafted across ten states to ban the use of time, in a bid to save millions of lives and billions of dollars. Removal of time will avoid confusion, prevent the over-running of average middle-management seminars, and make the math much simpler in research areas such as quantum physics and cosmology.

After a ten-year study, researchers at the University of Texas have released a report that over $130 billion a year is wasted due to rotting food, late trains, and arguments at the end of track meets. Also, billions of dollars of research into the origins of the Universe will be saved, as removing time from the equation allows the answer to be worked out in three minutes using a basic calculator (42).

Texas State Representative Dan Flynn (R-Snake's Hips) says: “Our abuse and overuse of time has become an epidemic. It has got such a grip of our lives that we think we can’t live without it. Some of my constituents even claim that time is money! We have to act now to preserve the future for our children.”

Rep. Flynn argues that abolishing time — inflexible, invisible, and odorless — will also eliminate speed and distance, which will make traffic accidents a thing of the past. And no one will ever be late, or indeed early for a meeting. Taking time out of life will stop expensive procrastination and sour milk with a single swipe of the pendulum.

Rep. Flynn continued: “We want each state to pick a time, say 1:46pm, and stick to it. We can just paint the time on the sign as you enter the state, and that’s it. No more clocks on buildings, no more buying watches, and no more having to ask what time the Sports Bar opens — or closes — because everything happens at 1:46pm.” Most maps of wide nations like the United States already have clocks to represent the multiple time zones — for instance, showing 4:00 in the East and 1:00 in the west — leading millions of map readers to mistake that diagram for the actual time in those areas. Picking a single time for each place would simply formalize what these Americans do naturally, says Rep. Flynn.

The idea of constant fresh milk pleases Cambridge University's Stephen Hawking. The Professor has already volunteered that the UK should opt for 7:26am, should the idea catch on, as his favorite meal is cornflakes, fed to him through one of his cereal ports.

However, Quantum Phase Hospital’s chief surgeon, Dr Who, says that the gathering trend of playing with time is so “next-year” and now is never a good time for a temporal paradox. The time practitioner warns that “removing the arrow of time in the present breaks the gravitational-structure constant, and causes collapse of the other three dimensions, resulting in the galactic equivalent of a “blue screen.”

“Rebooting the universe is very space and time consuming,” Who continued, “as it requires going back to the Big Bang. I’m afraid God is not very computer literate — He prefers gardening. I very much doubt the Almighty has done a backup for millennia. In fact, I'd be surprised if He even remembers where the hard drive is.”

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