UnNews:US to Europe: No blood, no foul

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28 October 2013

Spy vs. spy

The cordial relationship between the U.S. and the European Community includes continual gift-giving.

BERLIN -- European Union leaders are discussing what to do on finding out that the United States is not just snooping on tax evaders and jihadists, but on them.

The leaders are mulling breaking an agreement under which Europe voluntarily sends data from all checks cleared in the SWIFT system to Washington, and in turn, Washington promises not to unplug Europe from the rest of the world. Washington says it uses the information only to track criminals, but the crisis reached a head when it was leaked that the phones of national leaders themselves had been buggered, yet another fact disclosed by notorious leaker Edward Snowden.

Spanish newspaper El Mundo (The Mound) said 60 million Spanish phone calls had been tapped. But foreign policy analyst Florentino Portero said the Spanish government reaction was timid. "The 60 million calls would include uncountable lies, excuses, bad directions, and useless gossip. Letting the U.S. listen in is actually a big strategic advantage for Spain in terms of confusing the enemy."

Presidential spokesman Art Carney said that European Prime Ministers and Presidents enjoy the same privacy protections as U.S. citizens do. He said the government only collects the phone numbers and lengths of the calls and never actually listens in. This is natural, as there is no one left at the National Security Administration who speaks anything but Ebonics. Thus, when any European leader rings up a call girl, convicted cocaine dealer, or headquarters of a cross-dressing club, the Americans have no idea what is being said.

Separately, he said that Mr. Obama was completely unaware that any spying was going on in the first place, as he has been dealing with a troublesome speech made by Sen. Ted Cruz, with that pesky YouTube video, and with the tricky rough near the 17th green.

German intelligence [sic] travels to Washington this week and expects something tangible. Heather Conley, a spying consultant, said, "If they leave empty-handed, we've got a big problem." She was unaware that Republicans had made the identical demand earlier in the month.

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