US terror alert raised to orange after extra hour is smuggled into country
Straight talk, from straight faces
Saturday, July 21, 2018, 13:33:UTC)(
30 October 2006
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WASHINGTON, DC -- The Department of Homeland Security abruptly raised the national terror alert level from yellow to orange on Sunday after officials discovered an extra hour has been somehow smuggled into the country overnight. "We're not yet entirely sure when or how the extra sixty minutes got in, which is precisely why we need to stay alert and keep an eye out for any further suspicious activity," announced Secretary Chertoff at a hastily arranged press conference. Time-traveling suspects like Michael J. Fox and Arnold Schwarzenegger were rounded up for questioning, but no arrests have been made.
The extra hour caused havoc across the country, with people missing appointments, coming late to work, and worst of all - missing mass at church. "This is clearly the work of Islamo-Fascists, who are intent on disrupting the Christians' Sunday services," revealed Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. Actor Mel Gibson disagreed, claiming instead that the real culprits must be "the Jews, who are behind everything bad that happens in the world." North Korea dismissed speculation that it is to blame, despite the fact the Stalinist regime had just tested its first atomic clock a few weeks ago. Scientists in Japan are still arguing that the time gain came from a mysterious underground site directly under Pyongiang (believed to be the location of Kim's secret chrono bunker). And Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad re-iterated his previous statements that his country's horological research is purely for peaceful purposes.
FBI agents are still reviewing security camera footage from around the country to try to determine precisely when the extra hour was smuggled in. "I went to sleep around 1:30 a.m., and everything was still fine at that time," said one anonymous witness, adding, "but when my wife woke up at 6 a.m. and it was already bright outside, we realized that something was very, very wrong." The National Security Agency is poring over all of their wiretapped phone calls from last night to pinpoint the exact moment of the time-smuggling.
To the relief of millions of immigrants in the US, it has already been determined that illegals crossing from Mexico were not responsible. Officials base that assumption on the fact that somehow Arizona was not affected by the addition of the extra hour. "That state has particularly rampant illegal immigration, so it would have certainly been affected if the extra hour was smuggled across the border there." Nevertheless, activists are using the occasion to help promote the building of a new fence there, saying it's "only a matter of time - no pun intended - before time gets smuggled in by immigrants."
Meanwhile, President George Bush is rallying support behind his party, saying this latest incident is another terrorist attack. In a bold speech to the nation Sunday night, he declared, "We will not allow the enemy to disrupt the time-space continuum. We must go on the offensive and take the time-disruptions to the terrorists, so we don't have to deal with them on our own soil. And that's why you must vote Republican on November 7th." He went on to describe a convoluted argument that the War in Iraq is somehow vital to the integrity of time.
Democrats accuse the President of fear mongering, especially after a classified CIA report warning of more time disruptions was leaked to the press. The report claims al-Qaeda may be gearing up for more chronological attacks, with plans to remove an hour of time someday next Spring. "As we all know, time is money, so such theft would be devastating to the economy," said one analyst. Stocks are widely expected to drop a few percentage points at Monday's opening.
Expect delays at airports around the country and random searches on city subways. The government is well aware of the effects of terrorist attacks of this magnitude, so every possible precaution is being taken.