UnNews:US ships to leave Burma; No WMDs found
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US ships to leave Burma; No WMDs found
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, July 6, 2015, 21:41:UTC)(
29 May 2008
Off the coast of Burma After an extensive sweep of Burma, US officials announced their intention to 'pull out the troops' from the law-abiding, democratic nation, after conceeding that the Burmese have been very humanitarian, have co-operated with nuclear inspectors and have finally agreed to fuel their nuclear power plants exclusively with Russian uranium, thereby abandoning their extensive network of centrifuges. Furthermore, intelligence shows that the WMDs rumored to exist in Burma are now too waterlogged to be of further use.
"They found some oil floating around there, " explained Red Cross worker Mother Teresa, "but not very much. Normally oil-rich nations are hotbeds of terrorist activity, but in this case the existing peace-loving Junta seems to have already executed the terrorists, their parents, most of their children and their oxen. So there's really nothing left for the military to do here."
The CIA, warning for years that pagodas in Burma are just a facade for uranium-enriching, rejoiced that they finally did something right. "See- told you those pagodas were centrifuges. Told ya!" smirked a smartass at the CIA, kicking his feet up onto his desk while eating a mid-afternoon sandwich. "Our military might is so vast all we had to do was show up, hang out for a couple of weeks and put some good-old US of A pressure on the elected officials. We did what every citizen of the world counts on us for: stopping terrorism. We did it boys!"
"We were concerned about leaving at first, " admiral Ackbar admitted, "because even after our stern lecture the co-operative Burmese government appeared to be slowly killing about 2.4 million people, which seems pretty bad- almost as bad as killing two buildings full of people with international terrorists trained to alter the melting point of steel. But then, we met with the Burmese Junta and they explained to us that their exceptional citizens cannot die from natural causes. We're very happy with that. We hope the future government of Iraq will provide their citizens with immortality as well."