UnNews:US parties fight spate of plain-speaking

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US parties fight spate of plain-speaking

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24 July 2015

Martin O'Malley

O'Malley is the former governor of Maryland and the most promising alternative to likable and inevitable nominee Hillary Clinton, who has never said that any lives matter.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Both U.S. political parties are racing to get a handle on an annoying spate of candidates speaking plainly.

The issue came to a head as Democrat Martin O'Malley improvised at a #BlackLivesMatter rally, declaring that "white lives matter." Party elders took O'Malley to the proverbial woodshed for blurring this popular campaign theme. They noted that white lives rarely react to an arrest by trying to wrestle away the officer's service weapon, and are also under-represented in the sale of individual cigarettes on the streets of New York.

Party chairwoman Debbie Wasserman-Schultz reminded O'Malley that Dr. Martin Luther King, in his famous I Have Ice Cream speech, longed for a world in which people are "not judged on the content of their character but by whether they will fall into a skin-color-based collective that votes 20-to-1 Democratic."

O'Malley took back the quip, appropriately groveling and scraping. "I meant no disrespect,” he said, in his finest statesman-ese. "I did not mean to in any way communicate that I did not understand the tremendous passion, commitment and feeling and depth of feeling that all of us should be attaching to this issue." He thus put the "passion" issue to bed.

O'Malley's about-face attracted instant disapproval from Republican candidate Jeb Bush, whose campaign is working on a way to walk back Bush's own comments that Uber is an innovative business that does not threaten the owners of taxi medallions who help fund the Republican Party and thus will not need to be snuffed out the moment Bush becomes President.

However, the Republican Party is itself in turmoil, as unauthorized rogue billionaire candidate Donald Trump continued to assert that Mexicans who violate U.S. immigration law might not have the nation's best interests at heart. Republican Party chairman Reince Priebus [sic] accused Trump of threatening to "damage the Republican brand," which properly stands for platitudes and dithering. The Party won big in 2014 by successfully arguing that its total lack of results in the preceding two years did not owe to want of principles but to want of the Senate. Now having the Senate, Republicans hope to parlay the identical lack of results into a winning campaign for the White House.

Priebus has assembled a 16-person smorgasbord of Latinos and even a woman and a black man to try to imitate the Democrats' appeal to voters as members of victim blocs. In the words of Republican cabinet secretary James Watt, the party's primary field still does not include "two Jews and a cripple," but Priebus is actively recruiting.

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