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15 August 2008
Arlington, Virginia- Today the pentagon presented its latest advancement in communication technology. For the past 3 years top scientists have been working on a state of the art communication tool under the code name “Big Bird”, which is now being distributed to military outposts around the world under the official name “Propelled Uninterrupted Free Flying Intelligence Network” or PUFFIN. A spokesman for the pentagon Bryan Whitman explained this new item, “A tank shell is modified to send a small bird carrying a message into the air, and the fact that the bird is aerodynamic allows it travel far and fast. When the bird is within range of its target it can safely guide the message to the commanding officer.” Whiteman continued, “The idea is to avoid getting communications intercepted by an insurgent with a HAM radio and to also have a speedy delivery. We wanted to go back to the basics, but homing pigeons were too slow, and humming birds died too often. After years of testing we found that an auk makes the perfect projectile.” The PUFFIN also serves as a deterrent for invading forces because it has become the only known lethal communication device. With a loud “BOOM!” and a resounding “SQUACK!” the PUFFIN is demonstrated and declared a success.
The PUFFIN projectile is clocked at speeds of up to 300 miles an hour, and can carry a payload less than or equal to the size of a coconut into the temperate zone.