UnNews:US makes loud noises over Iraq
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
US makes loud noises over Iraq
A newsstand that's brimming with issues
Sunday, July 5, 2015, 03:46:UTC)(
19 June 2014
The forces streaming in, which call themselves ISIS, are not terrorists but merely "militants," according to credible wire services. They are believed to be unarmed, as universal gun control is right there in the constitution the U.S. wrote for Iraq. However, as well as knocking over Iraq, they have also knocked over several banks and cleaned out $200 million.
ISIS has now raised its black flag over a major refinery here. However, the government in Baghdad claims that it still holds the refinery and that the "flag" was merely a piece of underwear that stubbornly resisted laundering and was hung out to dry, not unlike the government itself.
President Bush, after a brief war to oust Saddam Hussein, led a tedious six-year campaign to create a mini-U.S. to make himself look good, while President Obama made good on his theme of "change" by changing it to a tedious six-year campaign of retreat and apology for past sins to make himself look good. Both campaigns may now be overtaken by the return of Iraq to normal, with Muslims killing Muslims in the name of, and despite the text of, the Qu'Ran.
ISIS claims to be fighting for a new, Islamic caliphate spanning Arabia. White House spokesman Art Carney, nervously looking at his wristwatch to see how long before his resignation kicks in, said that the U.S. policy of refocusing NASA toward Muslim outreach and looking away when consulates are knocked over, is "plenty responsive." On the threat of an oil cutoff, Mr. Carney said that U.S. policy is in place to respond to this too, mostly by bankrupting American coal mines and blocking fracking and new pipelines.
The American fighter sorties over Iraq, Mr. Carney said, simply complete the policy, taking completely off the Front Page the story of the IRS handling its documents with sloppiness it never concedes to taxpayers, as well as an imminent new law that compels foreign banks to feed data to the IRS, which will pass it to campaign strategists. And, as Monica Lewinsky is still on her weight-loss book tour, Mr. Carney said it should hardly be necessary to bomb a single aspirin factory, this time.
- Sameer N. Yacoub and Qassim Abdul-Zahra "Militants fly their black flags over Iraq refinery". Associated Press, June 19, 2014