UnNews:US has no room to store new tax forms

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search

Problems playing this file? You might be a dope.
US has no room to store new tax forms

Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?

UnNews Logo Potato
Friday, August 18, 2017, 14:31:59 (UTC)

F iconNewsroomAudio (staff)Foolitzer Prize

Feed-iconIndexesRandom story

8 March 2015

Paperwork

Well, they passed it, and we are still trying to "find out what's in it."

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Excessive production of income-tax forms has left American warehouses with no room to store the paperwork.

The situation parallels that in the oil patch, where fracking has produced more oil than there are places to put it. Happily, the nation does not have to worry about putting it offshore; shipping American crude abroad remains illegal, unlike American profits.

In 2012, John Roberts cast the deciding vote that President Obama's signature health care law was legal; that the extreme limit on the power of the central government had to be set against its obvious right to make taxes as complicated as it liked. So for an American not to take good care of himself (with insurance covering Gender Reassignment Counseling) is as Mr. Obama famously stated about building a new coal-fired power plant: It's a free country, so you won't be jailed — only bankrupted.

Three years later, the "individual mandate" has kicked in, and with it, Form 8965 and its mind-numbing instructions that tell the taxpayer whether he is in one of the 26 exemptions and waivers, such as:

  • Being an illegal alien who will vote straight-ticket Democratic
  • Being so poor or disorganized as to have an unpaid electric bill — copies must be filed in triplicate
  • I thought I had it, but I can't find it.

Unfortunately, the IRS has no room in which to store this paperwork. The sad episode of Lois Lerner pleading The Fifth before Congress after her hard disk drive died, also the disks of everyone she emailed (except possibly Hillary Clinton, whose emails are on a server in her basement), led Congress to cut billions from the IRS. This means callers to Taxpayer Assistance go on hold for half an hour and cannot get Form 8965 in under a month, which is essentially all Bush's fault.

Happily, next year, the IRS will publish Form 8965-EZ. This will let the IRS do the math and tell the taxpayer whether he took good care of himself and has any money left to spend after the penalties — which aren't taxes, because "you won't see a dime's worth" of them, and besides, if they were taxes, then Obama-care could not have come from the Senate.

The Republican Party in 2014 gained its largest majorities in Congress since the Late Mesozoic Era by promising to repeal the law, but Speaker John Boehner declared that the Republicans will not risk shutting down the government. The House is now working furiously to make Form 8965 fit in under ten pages.

A White House spokesman said the IRS is negotiating with the NSA to use some of the space at the massive new data warehouses that is not storing every word an American writes, because the NSA is only storing email headers, as it explained just after Wikileaks proved it had been lying about not storing anything at all.

edit Sources

Personal tools
projects