UnNews:US finds miracle bacterium
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
US finds miracle bacterium
A newsstand that's brimming with issues
Saturday, March 17, 2018, 16:05:UTC)(
26 May 2016
PUNXATAWNEY, Pennsylvania -- A bacterium has been found in a 49-year-old Pennsylvania woman that is resistant to every known antibiotic — a situation that regulators call "the end of the road" for America.
In the bacterium world, resistance to drugs is an instant career positive. The neighbors die off, and you go on to have millions of children. Most bacteria patiently wait a few millennia for a legitimate mutation to occur by which to ward off penicillin, amoxycillin, exetera. But the bacterium in question, a Mr. E. Coli, bulked up on "plasmids" and spent weekends at Gold's Gym until he could withstand exetera, clean living, and even the FDA's last line of defense, colistin.
Mr. Coli and his offspring raise the frightening possibility that millions of Americans could enter the hospital for a bacterial infection, leave without being cured, and file lawsuits, choking the court system, making Obama-care come in costing over a trillion dollars despite that famous promise, and torpedoing the Gross Domestic Product. Hence Mr. Coli has been called the "nightmare bacteria."
Tom Frieden of the federal Centers for Disease Control (CDC) stated, "Caring for patients for whom there are no drugs left is a feeling of such horror and helplessness." A possible epidemic of civil servants at CDC feeling helpless and filing for Permanent Disability could paralyze the public sector and ratchet up the public debt.
Worst of all, the 49-year-old patient had not traveled to some third-world hell-hole, but the bacterium came to her. This means that America cannot even pursue the palliative of invading a random country on a ridiculous pretense.
The good news is that Republican Party presidential candidate Donald Trump, who has just achieved the magic number of 1337 delegates that will ensure his nomination, has offered Mr. Coli the job of Vice President. "He is adaptable, lets his opponents have it, and is virtually unstoppable. You'll be just amazed. Winner!"
- Lena H. Sun and Brady Dennis "The superbug that doctors have been dreading just reached the U.S.". Washington Post, May 26, 2016