US elections shaping up to be the most democratic train wreck mankind has ever seen

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23 February 2012

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The GOP candidates are squaring off in the United States in something that even the most conservative of Satan devotees are deeming as an unfair electoral process. The four candidates who survived the firing squad execution are now frantically campaigning to get the nomination, but the process doesn't even remotely resembles a democratic crowning.

One has to look no further than the Iowa caucuses, where "voters" who have been 6 feet under for more than a decade could exercise their rights to vote for Prick Sanatorium, after the ladder pledged that he would cleanse the country's graveyards of gays. While this juncture certainly raised some eyebrows among the living who voted for what they thought was a decent candidate, the worse was yet to come.

In the South Carolina primary election, remnant Newt Wannagetrich smoothly talked his way through the debates where flocks of seagulls were in attendance, while RuPaul desperately tried to convinced the birds that his non interventionist foreign policy would not prevent them from migrating South during the winter, even if they opted to go spend the cold season in Cuba. The result: massive flocks of votes cast for the Grinch, which suspiciously took a lot of time to compile by the Republican Party chieftains, reportedly since a lot of bird shit had to be scraped off the ballots.

Shit Rodney, the last candidate, is trying hard to convince America that he isn't out of touch with the realities and struggles of the middle class, and if someone doesn't believe him, he stated that he is ready to bet $100,000 to prove this redneck wrong.

On the world stage, Barbada strongly complained and threatened to send its ultra-sophisticated rowboat to impose a fair and democratic process to America. Iraq, the newly liberated international bastion of Freedom, announced tough sanction on the United States should they further pursue election fraud and development of a weapon of middle class destruction.

North Korea's leader Kim Il-sung also commented. "This is miserable. I mean, I admit here we are a total dictatorship and all, but at least we're honest enough to let our people know it! We don't fool them into some fake-ass election that is rigged from the start!"


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This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.