UnNews:US economy battered by cheap gasoline

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
US economy battered by cheap gasoline

Your A.D.D. news outl — Oooh, look at the pictures!

UnNews Logo Potato
Tuesday, August 22, 2017, 11:34:59 (UTC)

F iconNewsroomAudio (staff)Foolitzer Prize

Feed-iconIndexesRandom story

16 December 2014

King Dollar

Economist Larry Kudlow declared that King Obama had been deposed and replaced by hard-money "King Dollar" (pictured)

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The U.S. economy is being battered by a new, unexpected crisis: Dramatically falling oil prices. The White House today claimed the surprise economic shock will be the latest event -- after global warming, kiosks at airports, the Japanese tsunami, and manufacturers leaving the U.S. to avoid the Employer Mandate -- that may keep President Obama's sixth straight Summer of Recovery from succeeding and may even delay again the closing of Guantanamo.

By the end of the day, Russia had declared bankruptcy, called in all the rubles, and even given back the Crimea. Unfortunately, the Dow Jones finished with a triple-digit loss, as analysts said the final demise of America's classic old foe would be "anti-accretive to Q4 earnings."

Regulators warned that consumers, with sudden piles of cash left over after gassing up the SUV, might go on a Christmas spending spree, putting government economic estimates seriously in error. This could require emergency measures, such as repaving of roads during rush hour or sanctions against chains like Walmart for not hiring sufficient cashiers.

Fonz

Shown here: A previous U.S. Government project to combat "foreign oil."

The U.S. Department of Energy, which had just celebrated its 37th birthday since being created to "lessen America's dependence on foreign oil," put employees on emergency overtime this week to cobble together an explanation that the Department had finally gotten something right, or at least had a clue that fracking was about to be invented. Secretary of State John Kerry was putting the finishing touches on a speech calling the damage to Russia a result of Mr. Obama's red lines and threats of sanctions.

The price crisis united the two parties, which had been divided in passing the $1,100,000 million federal budget with two thousand pages of favors. On the left wing, Senator Elizabeth Warren claimed the rapid fall of oil prices was the fault of speculators, recycling a press release she used during the rapid rise of oil prices. Across the aisle, Senator John McCain called the move "cut-throat capitalism," charging that Saudi Arabia was trying to put every U.S. gas station out of business, at which time it would put minarets, tents, and camels at every intersection and jack the prices back up. He announced he would author a Comprehensive Reform with a new agency to work against low prices.

State legislators jumped on the bandwagon, with ability-to-pay arguments for raising state gasoline taxes, after last year using you'll-never-notice-them arguments for doing the same thing.

Tom Bosley head on Fonz body

Moniz: We will all be at risk, more or less, as long as tomorrow's price might be more or less.

Ford Motor Company, frantically redesigning its signature F-150 truck without steel, called itself a victim of the price shift, as few buyers will pay extra for a cardboard truck when gas is so cheap. Unfortunately, Ford's lobbyists could not seek a repeal of federal fuel-efficiency rules, as they were all busy demanding new laws against Tesla selling cars without a network of dealerships.

Not everyone was displeased at the sudden bargains at the pump. Perennial optimist Larry Kudlow called it an "unqualified boon to the economy," and said he was going into Manhattan and would buy a cup of coffee for the first ten bums he encountered. "Double up, please. Merry Christmas!" he added.

However, Secretary of Energy Ernest Moniz called for emergency controls on all prices to prevent further unplanned shocks. He insisted that the Draconian measure would last only until the economy can recover.

edit Sources

Personal tools
projects