UnNews:US drone kills US citizen
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
US drone kills US citizen
Fake News that's honestly fake
Tuesday, March 20, 2018, 16:33:UTC)(
27 April 2015
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Members of the Republican Party, after years of inability to hold President Obama responsible for openly defying Congress, reacted with glee at the news that an American drone strike had killed an American hostage in an al-Qaeda camp in the Afghanistan-Pakistan border region.
In more minor news, an Italian hostage was also killed in the drone strike. So were two other American citizens who had joined al-Qaeda. White House spokesman "Josh" "Earnest" said this was not a problem, as modern drones drop leaflets informing everyone of their Miranda warnings before killing them.
Mr. "Earnest" said Mr. Obama did not specifically approve of the drone strike. In fact, there are no records of it, except on Hillary Clinton's private email server in her barn — which is now erased, reformatted, and missing. Emails on the strike were deleted by campaign aides, as they also referenced Chelsea Clinton's wedding, which is a private matter. Nevertheless, Mr. Obama said, "As President, Commander-in-Chief, Nobel laureate, and Final Four bracket winner, I take full responsibility."
Congress abandoned work on a Democrat bill forcing car dealers to hire salesmen who wear earrings and lipstick — which Republicans had amended to carve out an exception for Christian car dealers — and started a brand new bill designed to eliminate all collateral damage, such as the killing of civilians, during war.
Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI) promised the bill would prohibit the U.S. from ever attacking any enemy site where American hostages were being held. The enemy could avail itself of this protection by taking one or more American hostages and filing a form with the U.S. Air Force indicating where they are.
Rep. Ryan said his bill would improve employment prospects for hostages. They, like other minorities, have found it hard to land positions since the Administration raised the minimum wage and guaranteed employer-paid health care. Some, such as Bowe Bergdahl, have walked across enemy lines and offered to intern for free. But these internships have vanished since the U.S. Government ran out of al-Qaeda kingpins at Guantanamo to exchange for them.
Reporters had been asking Mr. "Earnest" about several other Administration scandals when the drone strike, which occurred in January, was disclosed. But they cannot remember what they were.