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US diet tips randomized again

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8 January 2016

Angry Michelle

First "Lady" Michelle Obama was livid, having just mastered the previous recommendations. She hastily renamed her "Let's Move!" campaign, "No! Run Back the Other Way!"

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The U.S. Government has published dietary recommendations for Americans that might finally have gotten it right.

The joint publication of the Department of Agriculture and the Food and Drug Administration states that cholesterol is now good for you. This revises a previous position that cholesterol is bad for you, and an interim revised position that "good cholesterol" is good but "bad cholesterol" is bad. This means that Americans can go back to eating real eggs, even though a nationwide shortage has doubled their price. On the other hand, sugar, whose price has been doubled for generations by federal payments to farmers, is now bad for you. The government is likely to import tons of low-cost Cuban sugar as a further overture to get the Caribbean dictatorship to release political prisoners so they can harvest cane, but the new report means that Americans will not eat it.

Salt was bad and continues to be bad, while pepper was not bad, and is still not bad. Most dinner tables will continue to have one salt shaker and one pepper shaker, to suit the day's mood, whether the American wants to live longer or die in his sleep tonight.

As the new publication reverses several important recommendations, industry groups moved to the opposite table in federal court. The Sugar Association claims that the paper is "not based on strong scientific evidence" and will "result in consumer apathy, distrust and confusion." However, the judge said it is unlikely that Americans will not study and take seriously a publication of the Obama Administration, and scolded the Association's advocate for eating popcorn while talking. The Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine, which advocates that Americans stop eating entirely, also sued, claiming that the agencies allowed the food industry to influence the new recommendations, and did not allow it to. A witness for the Tobacco Industry provided contradictory testimony, stating that he insisted that cigarettes are now good for you, but could not get that included in the new report.

Americans "don’t need to make huge, fundamental changes," said Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack. "Just stop eating what you were eating, and eat a lot of what you never ate before." Agriculture is proposing new product labels, which will distinguish between sugars added by greedy fat pig capitalists and sugars lovingly added to food by Gaia, the Planetary Pachamama. The new labels would place a new Nutrition Fact with a skull-and-crossbones logo on every can of Coca-Cola. The proposal is further evidence that lobbyists had no hand in the complete reversal of the government's health recommendations.

But Mr. Vilsack said there will be severe penalties for companies that produce products claiming to be "Healthy." He said that only the government is certain what is good for you and what isn't.

Few Americans will read the report, but it will affect cafeteria lunches offered at thousands of public schools. Mr. Vilsack said meals complying with the new guidelines will avoid the problem of the previous report, of students buying the subsidized meal, picking off and eating the one permitted cookie, and throwing the rest in the trash.

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