UnNews:US court orders change to gay military ban
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||A newsstand that's brimming with issues|
7 July 2011
SAN FRANCISCO, California -- A US appeals court has ordered the Obama administration to stop enforcing the Don't Ask, Don't Tell (DADT) ban and allow anonymous “Pink Army Brigades,” of gay men and women soldiers, to be established in the military and fielded in the heat of battle.
The Ninth US Circuit Court of Appeals, which is one higher than the Eighth US Circuit Court, lifted a previous ruling which prohibited the government from switching from the DADT policy to enforcing a new “don't hint, won't ask” law (DHWA) that places the burden of proof on the gay recruits.
President Barack Obama has expressed his agreement with the new DHWA policy that compels gay military members to be secretive about their sexuality. They will also be required to wear their uniforms on duty, and will not be allowed to leer during the day, especially during hostile live fire engagements with the enemy.
A three-judge panel at the court in San Francisco said DADT must be lifted and replaced with DHWA because the Obama
constitution administration concluded in December 2010 that it was unconstitutional to treat gay Americans equally under military law.
“The circumstances and balance of hardships have changed, and [the government] can no longer satisfy the demanding standard for issuance of a stay,” the panel said. “American homosexual service members are no longer under threat of dishonorable discharge (being expelled) for dishonorable discharges (co-masturbation) as the implementation process rises with the temperature,” said a spokesman for the gay Log Cabin Republicans (also known as Lincolnites).
The panel noted that in spite of General Obama’s campaign promises, most all of which he has predictably broken, Congressional lawmakers repeated the ban on overtly gay military units in December and that the Pentagon was bogged down in the process of writing new rules for the policy.
Under the new DHWA policy some of the Code of Conduct modifications needed to establish a gay combat unit include:
- Uniforms must be worn on the body during working hours
- Oral sex cannot replace fox hole religion (although tolerated)
- Corn holing enemy prisoners is forbidden (although tolerated)
- Sex for promotion is not official policy (although tolerated)
The “don't hint, won't ask” law forbids gay soldiers from acknowledging their sexual orientation. In answer to the question of sexual preference they must check the choice, “Won’t hint, don’t ask.”
The removal of the ban on gay combat units in the US military came in response to a motion brought by Log Cabin Republicans, an organization for gay Republican Party members who resemble Abraham Lincoln in drag.
Last year, the group persuaded a lower court judge in California to decry the old DADT guidelines and the ban, which was formally adopted in 1993, as being totally uncool.
Officials at the Pentagon said on Wednesday they would comply with the court order and inform commanders in the field about the good news.
Gay advocates said the motion might not openly appeal to the Pentagon although no top brass would object to the new policy.
“The ruling... removes all uncertainty,” said Log Cabin Republicans Executive Director Clarke 'Foofee' Cooper. “American army units made up of gay service persons are no longer under threat of dishonorable discharges,” he added.