UnNews:US congratulates $ on Syria success
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
US congratulates $ on Syria success
A newsstand that's brimming with issues
Friday, March 16, 2018, 17:45:UTC)(
26 February 2015
WASHINGTON -- ISIS or IS or $ was congratulated by US Secretary of State, John Kerry, for their blitzkrieg-cyber success in reviving America’s noble plan to over-throw Syria. “I'm happy to report that our $ psyop has paid off!” He bragged. “Now we can finally bomb Assad!
“One way or another the means justifies the result. After being thwarted by public opinion over the poison debacle last year, we have finally fooled all the people some of the time,” Kerry grinned. “Simply by redirecting $ as IS or ISIS, and using social media tools Twitter and YouTube, we managed to gob smack even the pacifists,” the War Secretary beamed. “Now we can bomb that arrogant secularist Assad, and get it on with this apocalypse.”
Mean while Russian President Putin practically mocked Kerry when he told the media, “I see! So ISIS is just a plot device to attack the Syrian government? It seems after aiding and abetting the Sunni terrorists against the Shiites, now America is forming a coalition with the Sunni dictators to help the Shiites attack the Sunnis while excluding the Shiite dictators?” He quizzed. "Is it a Russian reversal?
But Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov skirted around Putin's illogic, saying, “There is no doubt that these strikes will target ISIS, and not the other way around." [Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]
Lavrov further verified that this is not in violation of international law which does not apply to the master-race.” He winked. “America has every right to bomb anywhere and everywhere. After all, bombs are America’s primary export along with paper and porn.”
Never-the-less Lavrov warned that attacks on $ in Syria, without the permission of Syria, who are battling $ as well, could amount to a Syria times Syria divided by Syria cluster-fuck. And that may play into the hands of Biblical prophecy, which predicts End of Days will take place in Damascus.
Is Russia right to be concerned? “No, Russia is not worried,” assured Lavrov. “These maniacs are playing Russian Roulette with Russia! And that only works once,” he snickered. “Because in Russia we play with a single empty chamber in the pistol, and now is America’s turn.”
- Will Vin Diesel accept Putin’s Siberian Lake Ice Swim With Polar Bear Challenge?
- Jack Bauer donates ammo rather than face ALS Ice Bucket