UnNews:US bans breathing due to global warming concerns
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US bans breathing due to global warming concerns
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, May 26, 2017, 07:38:UTC)(
26 April 2007
"Breathing is a huge source of carbon dioxide emissions, so we decided to ban it," says a EPA spokesperson. "I mean, it's so, so much easier than regulating vehicle emissions!"
The EPA spokesperson proceeded to unveil a more detailed plan. "We are going to ban all biological carbon dioxide emissions by September 2007, and yes, that includes respiration."
When questioned if the spokesperson thought the ban would adversely affect the US economy, the spokesperson replied, "OK, so a few million people might die... but this opens up a whole lot of jobs! As well as, of course, a lot of money in terms of death taxes. Which, by the way, would solve this federal deficit thing."
Most people are skeptical. Since the ban was announced, it has been estimated that there are 1337 persons immigrating out of the US per minute, meaning that by September 2007, 245,473,200 US citizens will have immigrated to another country, leaving 56,104,800 people in the US. This means that 81% of the US population are skeptical of this new ban.
Paul Johnston Dullford, one of the best mathematicians of our age and indeed the only living pure mathematician of the United States, said that "What we've got here is failure to respirate" before hitchhiking a spaceship that was heading to a small planet somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse.
George W. Bush has been quoted as saying to Nancy Pelosi (who is currently on a flight back to Syria to escape from and continue to oppose this ban) that "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."
Currently, President Bush is headed to China to persuade their Congress to pass a ban on breathing as well, partly to control carbon dioxide emissions, but mostly to regulate world population (an aim known only to the US).
The people are fighting back the ban. The EPA spokesperson admitted (shortly before being beaten up by a group of radical conspiracy theorists) that "As long as people don't release carbon dioxide into the air, they will indeed be allowed to breathe."
Steve Jobs has set up a new makeshift headquarters for Apple in Quebec, and is said to be currently working on a product called iBreathe, which would allow people to (finally) breathe freely and not emit carbon dioxide. It is scheduled for release on August 31.
Microsoft meanwhile is reported to have bought a farm for mouth-sized plants. A Microsoft spokesperson admitted that "We are indeed considering putting plants into people's mouths in order to enable the breathing function without overriding any laws."
Google is said to be working on this problem as well, although it may be only for internal use.
As always, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, when asked on the matter, said "I don't recall such a ban."
- John Timmer "Supreme Court sends carbon regulation back to the EPA". Ars Technica, April 02, 2007