UnNews:US backs "Do Not Rape" list
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
US backs "Do Not Rape" list
Truth doesn't "live here" — It's just camping out
Sunday, July 31, 2016, 03:42:UTC)(
6 December 2010
The concept follows the Do Not Call List for annoying phone calls. The Federal Trade Commission (FTC) ruled that phone-spamming was vital to the economy, if the most annoying calls--where a robot-dialer gets you up from dinner and there isn't even anyone on the other end to deliver the spiel--happen only 3% of the time. The public, however, rejected this compromise, and the government created a list of citizens who must not be called at all.
The FTC is now studying letting Web users opt-out of having Google and other ad agencies track their use of the Internet and assemble personal data to help strangers make sales pitches. The remaining surfers would become the suckers who drive the American industrial machine.
Privacy advocates oppose a government list of citizens who want to be kept off lists. Even unscrupulous web sites would have a copy of the Do Not Track List, and might track exactly those who hate it the most. However, a man from Wells, Maine who writes reader responses to newspaper web sites using the name of "E," said, "Anyone who thinks they need their privacy now must have something to hide. After all, we're at war!" Homeland Security secretary Janet Napolitano agrees that there is nothing to worry about. "We're from the government and we're here to help you."
The Do Not Rape List would work the same way. Women could opt-out of rape and other molestation by simply giving the government their home address, their vital statistics, and optionally, the hours of the day when they would most prefer not to be accosted.
However, just as the Do Not Call List exempts charities and political campaigns, the Do Not Rape List would exempt the United Nations, the Congress, and the Oval Office and adjoining lavatory. And jetway screeners would still be allowed to feel up everyone.