UnNews:US authorities mobilise response to new "suicide warfare"
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US authorities mobilise response to new "suicide warfare"
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, July 30, 2015, 22:17:UTC)(
11 June 2006
“I believe this was not an act of desperation, but an act of warfare waged against us. ”
Troops were rushed into Guantanamo Bay today to control the damage as three prisoners who had previously been thought secure defied guards, committing a new and dangerous form of terrorism despite their secure surroundings.
In this cunning and underhanded act of warfare dubbed by leading counterterrorist experts as "suicide", the terrorist takes not the life of an innocent, but his own.
"Suicide", says camp commander Rear Admiral Harry 'Harrison' Harris, "is a subtle and underhanded means of assault. It may help to understand it if you think of it as like a suicide bombing, but without the explosion."
The potential dangers from this violent and terrible act are apparent: the terrorist's corpse may fall heavily onto those nearby, causing bruising or some slight scratches. If not dealt with quickly, the corpse may begin to rot and spread disease, especially if it is allowed to fall into a supply of drinking water. If the suicidee is infected with "The Disease", those splashed with his blood may be turned into filthy homosexuals. Furthermore, by desecrating the Lord's temple the suicidee guarantees himself a position in Hell, thus evading the forces of caucasian heterosexual Christian Republican Americans aged over 25 who would otherwise apprehend him in Heaven.
Fortunately, the damage done by today's suicide attack was minimal and quickly dealt with; while three soldiers were killed by friendly fire and one building levelled during the operation, the former terrorists have now been safely contained and will be transported to a holding area to be interrogated and executed.
"There is no reason for these three individuals to have committed suicide." says Rear Admiral Harris. "We have done our absolute best to ensure their comfort and happiness while they were awaiting their turn in the machine. Even when they - for some reason - stopped enjoying their meals we did the honest, Christian thing to do and forced food into their stomachs until they got the idea again."
It is in response to this new and unanticipated threat that Congress is rushing in new laws to prevent further attacks of suicide. Police officers have been authorised to use maximum force to stop anybody who seems on the verge of suicide, and legislation is underway to enforce the death penalty on anybody suspected of suicidal tendencies.
"At the end of the day," said President George Bush in an announcement today, "suicide is a dirty and despicable business. And besides, killing your own men is our job."