UnNews:US and EU call on Abba to resolve Crimea crisis
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US and EU call on Abba to resolve Crimea crisis
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, September 3, 2015, 16:21:UTC)(
3 March 2014
MOSCOW, Russia -- With Ukraine threatened with Russian military action and relations between Moscow and the West at their worst since the last time analysts said they've been the worst "since the Cold War" the EU has sent special envoys to Sweden in a last ditch attempt to secure peace.
"We all know Czar Putin loves them," said British Foreign Minister William Hague, "and so that's why we're going to Stockholm to plead with the Swedes: Let's have Abba reform and flown to Russia for an emergency gig at the Kremlin".
Seasoned Putin-watchers will know that the muscular Russian hawk has a bit of a camp side, being a fan of the '70s pop group. He famously threw some shapes at a private disco when Abba tribute band Bjorn Again performed a personal set for him in 2009.
"Putin loves the classic stuff, he thinks Abba are so much better than shit like Brotherhood of Man," said an insider from Putin's United Russia Party, which holds a majority in the Russian State Duma, probably by law. "'Waterloo' is an especial favourite because it's about a preening European getting his ass kicked after messing with Russia. He also loves 'Super Trouper', again for obvious reasons, and 'Dancing Queen' which he says is 'Mendvedev's favourite'. The President is determined to gain overall Russian control of Crimea, but I imagine he could be waylaid if Bjorn, Benny, Agnetha and Anni-Frid were to put on a show for him at the Kremlin".
John Kerry, the US Secretary of State, is apparently en-route to Stockholm to impress on the Swedish government just how important the Western Bloc regards Abba as a way of controlling the Russian leader. "Although I'm more of a Fleetwood Mac man myself," said the Easter Island Statue-faced American. "Nonetheless, if we can get Putin to jig around, with his shirt off no doubt, and perhaps even 'on one' to a bit of 'Knowing Me, Knowing You' and 'Lay All Your Love on Me' we hope he'll reflect on what he's planning to do. We'll ask them not to play 'The Winner Takes It All', though."
The world's press are currently gathered around the Swedish Chancellory awaiting any sign that one of pops most famous foursomes will reform to see-off the worst crisis in Europe this century. There is some scepticism that this will come to anything, though.
"I can't see this working" said a leading Pop Analyst. "They just don't feel they can share a stage anymore and even if they say they're going to reform, it'll just be some stupid fucking puppets in a "ha! ha! fooled you!" way like they did on British TV that time.