UnNews:US aircraft carrier readied to do nothing

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
US aircraft carrier readied to do nothing

UnFair and UnBalanced

UnNews Logo Potato
Tuesday, March 20, 2018, 12:19:59 (UTC)

F iconNewsroomAudio (staff)Foolitzer Prize

Feed-iconIndexesRandom story

21 April 2015

Aircraft carrier 2

This photo of a U.S. aircraft carrier is just as secret, and was taken by an Air Force captain on condition of anonymity, due to rules against taking selfies during battle.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The United States is moving an aircraft carrier toward Yemen, where it will be in position to do nothing.

The USS Theodore Roosevelt steamed toward Yemen as a convoy of Iranian ships headed to the same place, according to a Navy official who would not be identified due to regulations against leaking state secrets. The Roosevelt would be the ninth U.S. warship in the area, although technically, that is highly classified too.

At the Pentagon, however, Army Col. Steve Warren denied to Reuters that the ships were sent into the Gulf of Aden to block Iran from resupplying the Houthi rebels. Navy Lt. Timothy Hawkins told The Washington Post that the U.S. has not boarded another ship looking for weapons since the start of the month. On that occasion, they merely shouted "April Fool!" and left. Other unnamed officials suggested the mission might be to look for illegals who need voting cards and perhaps a free Obama-phone to help them land work. Finding better recipes for couscous might also be a mission.

The treaty recently negotiated by Secretary of State John Kerry, which requires that Iran "go slow" on building nuclear weapons, does not require that Iran "go slow" on helping rebels overthrow U.S.-backed governments in the Middle East, nor "go slow" on sowing instability in the region. Mr. Kerry had dismissed the concept of "linkage," saying that the crucial task was to hammer out the wording of the treaty by June. A close second is to get the Ayatollah to stop shouting "Death to America" during speeches to his people. Mr. Kerry said that obviously the Great Satan could not obey its own duties under the treaty — to "go slow" on inspection and verification — if it were dead.

The Roosevelt was moved from Iraq and Syria, where it had been conducting air strikes against ISIS. ISIS does not have a draft treaty with the U.S. requiring it to "go slow" in its drive to conquer the entire region, though it seems to have an understanding with Iran to "go fast."

edit Sources

Personal tools