UnNews:US Treasury stalls new $10 bill

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US Treasury stalls new $10 bill

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13 December 2015


Hillary Clinton could make it onto the $10 bill with a successful cover-up of the fact that she is female.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- U.S. Treasury Secretary Jack Lew said the Treasury would delay redesigning the $10 bill, as it cannot think of a woman who deserves to be put on it.

The Treasury has declared that democracy would be the "theme of the next generation of paper bills." Democracy appears nowhere in America's founding documents, but the Treasury stated that the currency should emphasize "democratic ideals, and our striving to make those ideals a reality" — also issuing waivers and bizarre interpretations when the vote doesn't go your way. By comparison, the theme of euro notes is fake bridges, and President Obama had asked that the U.S. theme be white-racist-cops-killing-deranged-but-unarmed-black-youths, starting with a new Eric Garner $3 bill. Many third-world nations have currency with no theme at all — just an awful lot of zeros.

Siding with democracy, the Treasury felt bound to respond when 1.5 million Americans "voted" that putting a broad on the $10 bill was "a stupid idea." Mr. Lew had promised to issue a decision by January, but now says it will be "some time in 2016," implying that more public protest could delay the decision until 2017, when normal people may regain control of the U.S. government.

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UnNews Senior Editors are currently arguing over the gender-neutrality of this related article:

US to put woman on $10 bill

Republican Presidential contender Carly Fiorina implied during the September 16 debate that the decision was tokenism, just before nagging the male candidates that she alone knew how every American woman reacts to them. Ms. Fiorina herself had been proposed for the sawbuck, but Donald Trump pointed out that she has a ridiculous face. The woman in the race for the Democratic nomination, Hillary Clinton, is nearly free of scandal, as all evidence has been destroyed.

Carly Fiorina

Naaw. Ridiculous. Maybe if she were holding a steno pad or something, right, Donald?

The Treasury says Alexander Hamilton went onto the $10 bill during the Great Depression to restore citizens' faith, as well as their willingness to challenge adversaries to duels. Mr. Lew says the end of the Obama Administration will be a good time to use a portrait of a woman to undercut that faith. It could also soften Americans up to pay the global carbon tax Mr. Obama negotiated in Paris.

Putting Hamilton on the tenner dislodged President Andrew Jackson, though he turned up on the $20, despite policies Americans now consider loathsome, such as the forced relocation of Indians. The 1.5 million Americans who wrote the Treasury endorse using space on bills for political advocacy, provided it is their own politics, such as the forced relocation of Syrians fleeing ISIS to find a safer place for sword-based evangelism.

Women have appeared on currency throughout American history. Recently, Susan B. Anthony and Sacajawea dollar coins have been universally shunned except by fanatics who have to own one each of every year of every issue. Fortunately, these obsessives acquired the entire initial pressing of the otherwise useless coins.

Should the Obama Treasury decide on the $10 bill, it will be five more years before the result appears on the street. Experts say this will be time for saner minds to cancel the decision, unless Mr. Obama finds a new way, such as with the Consumer Financial Protection Board, to insulate it from the will of Congress so that it can finish the redesign to honor "democracy."

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