UnNews:US Stimulus not enough
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|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|
|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
4 February 2010
USA, Everywhere -- Is Obama doing enough? That is the question plaguing the minds of American citizens nationwide as UnNews:Investigative Reporting™ delve into the "stimulus" package . In a shocking, multi-part exposé about what Obama isn't doing for the American economy, we reveal the grievous and heinous neglect that is plaguing our beautiful nation. As you, our reader, read into the evidence that we have uncovered in our crusade for truth,
Part 1: The Systematic Neglect of Hobos
For decades, our proud nation has been supporting the world's premier hobo population, far exceeding the cultural sophistication of beggars and general-hanger-ons worldwide. In a hurtful snub to the colorful hobos in Washington DC, New York, and various East Coast states were given a proverbial kick in the groin as hobos, instead of merely relying on welfare, they had to beg.
- One hobo in New York said,
|We'd never had to begs, ma'am. We just sits 'round holding signs for "World Peace", with nones of this begging business. I knows my rights, and the Umpteenth Amendments says nobody can force me to works if I don't wants it. Begging is too much like work... Now suddenly this black guy comes on that big tee-vee and we has to begs? I ain't goings to have it!|
This is clearly an erosion of the pristine culture of our fair cities and states, as hobos are now relegated to the life of beggars. While the chronically unemployed in the rest of the world had to beg to obtain subsistence, Americans only need to wait until the first of the month for the monthly attempt at lottery and nicotine. With the latest change, however, hobos were forced to beg to eke out a dying.
- Amanda is clearly one of the many community leaders that feels this way. Amanda is a double PhD holder in Quantum Physics and Labor Economics from American State University and was a key figure in the management of Enron, Fannie Mae and AIG. He's also a consultant for Bernie Madoff until the latest spate of financial troubles force her back into hobo-ing. The welfare king and hoboss of Upper-mid-slightlytotheleft-Bronx said that the lack of welfare will also affect other non-hobos.
|It's not like we want to beg, we had to. The intricate interaction between supply-and-demand will in the force the government to collapse if we, the hobos, had to work. You see, if the hobos work, the supply of labor will increase, shifting the supply curve of the market, which I have to say is quite out of it's equilibrium, or wobbly, to quote my Brit lecturer, further into the fourth dimension, inevitably leading to an economic singularity event horizon, which will suck the US economic out like a black hole. By the way, that Star Trek re-boot was awesome! In any case, the subjective effect of hobos getting out of hobo-ing will bring about complete chaos. Imagine, you, driving your Global Warming Chariot, a.k.a. the SUV, along the wonderfully paved streets. You reach a traffic light and guess what? We, that is the hobo, will be on strike, striking against the strike against hobo-ing. We have hobo'd for years, and under the current economic situation it will take too long for us to be re-trained with any useful skills! Imagine an untrained, inept hobo wondering around aimlessly in your factory slash office slash premises. It'll be disastrous! The best solution, after considering the interplay between market force and consultation with fellow Neo-Hobo Economists is that we should take up a wait-and-see attitude towards this planned "stimulus". It can't work with the economic downturn because a million hobos entering the workforce like an uninvited guest which we almost always are... will only serve to drive unemployment sky-high who would want to hire us anyway.... And since by the time we are fully trained to be attractive as a work-force, the economy would have recovered to the point that you can afford the welfare system again!|
- Meanwhile, White House economists are adamantly against the idea that hobos were systematically sidelined. President Obama even made a statement:
|This situation has gone on for far too long. As the first black American President, I can not, and will not allow such an atrocity to be committed on US soil. We. Need. Change. Turning homeless people into beggars will not bring about more change. All the change will go into the hands of the beggars. Therefore the entire premise of my election will fail!|
Part 2: The Decline of Internet Commodity Trading
Another investigation points to the lack of growth in the interweb commodities trading in the US. Last year, we were proud sole-proprietor of the Virgin for Sale™, Natalie Dylan. Her on-line exploits will forever be remembered in the annals of economics as the pinnacle of capitalism. With the latest "stimulus" package, however, we have fallen behind in the trade in this commodity.
- Natalie Dylan herself said;
|Well, the problem with the commodity sector when it comes to virgins is simply this; we are fucked. Seriously!|
- Analysts have analyzed her words to bring about the following analysis:
|Ms Dylan could not have said it better when she described the virgin commodity trading. First of all, there is no market for male virgins, therefore we are "fucked" not "fuckers" as often enough, the male will insert the phallus, the primary equipment for "fucking" into the female. Secondly, she also alludes to a double, if not triple entendre. Firstly, in being fucked, a girl loses her virginity, therefore losing the prime attribute of the commodity, which is a virgin. Secondly, the mean age of losing virginity in USA is 17.3, which means most of them are minors, with whom a contract is not enforceable. Thirdly, all these factors add up to spell a huge setback to the future of virgin trading, in which "We are fucked" colloquially means that we are in trouble.|
While the public have always treated the analysis of analyst as over-analyzed, the dire warning this time could not have come at a worse time as a New Zealand, a country that is even further down than the Land Down Under, and Italy came up with bids to outdo America.
The New Zealand girl, known only by her pseudonym, [Unigirl], placed an on-line ad to trade her virginity. She made a compelling presentation by saying, "I am fit, healthy and have no medical conditions of any nature. I am a keen athlete and have a trim physique." As all Americans are fat and lazy[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much], the New Zealander's offer easily outpaced any Americans who tried to break into the market.
Another source of competition stems from Italy, the land of fashionistas and despots alike, in the form of Raffella Fico, a model about to go super. Skeptics weren't convinced though, saying "It's impossible to achieve even the slightest level of success in the modeling line without sleeping with someone." Jim Wales, founder, owner and God of parody website Wikipedia, however, was a believer.
- Raffella has this to say about her offer,
|I don't know what it's like to have sex. If I don't like him I'll just have a glass of wine and forget about it|
Her declarations made waves on the interweb, with Silvio Berlusconi reportedly pulling on a favor from Nicolas Sarkozy for a bottle of prime French wine.
Her brother also added into the mix by saying, "She's never had a boyfriend. I swear on my mother's grave. She's a devout Catholic and prays to Padre Pio every night." The office of Padre Pio, who is patron saint of defense volunteers and Catholic adolescents has this to say, "She got the wrong saint. She probably want Margaret of Cortona or Saint Nick. She is no longer an adolescent and Pio doesn't deal with prostitutes."
Regardless, her she is the first in the line of the said commodity to be sold in a regulated market, fixing the price at €1,000,000.
- Financial experts from Japan, however, lamented the inflexibility of this arrangement:
|Virgin is a veeeery cheap in Japan. If she set ah fixed price, she won't have tha flexibrerity to respon to market forces. But I wirr stirr do her anyweh.|
Part 3: Noble Piss Prize
Despite throwing the country into the biggest deficits in history, Obama has little to answer for it other than Noble Piss Prize and what voters perceive as either the lousiest stag party ever or their President drinking beer and calling it work.
- With more than the fair share of experts criticizing the President drinking beer, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad summarized the event most accurately:
|The image struck me in more ways than anyone could imagine. The traitorous infidel has the audacity to drink an alcoholic beverage while pretending to work on "issues pertaining to national security", all the while charging the drinks to government. , it is a disgrace! I am shamed that he is a despotic leader of country like me. He should be drinking wine instead.|
The Norwegians, however, disagreed with the rest of the world when they decided to award President Obama with the Nobel Piss Prize.
- Defending their decision, Thorbjørn Shagland said:
|In Norway, or any Scandinavian country of note, we love our beer. From Carlsberg to Hansa Borg, we have a fine tradition of quaffing beer for enjoyment. Obama was awarded this prize for his transcendental enjoyment of beer, while working. This shows that not only he places beer above the important issues like national security, but he also knows how to relax. Although, I must say he nearly lost it to Liu Xiaobo for drinking Bud Light.|
The one good thing to come out of the Nobel Peace Prize is that Obama is donating the money to charity, which is kind of like a high-class beggars guild, without the smell.
Part 4: Stimulus Package not stimulating enough
In another bizarre and surreal complain about the current Obama stimulus package, contemporary hotel and tourism mogul Paris Hilton has this to say about the stimulus package:
|That is not hot.|
- Doctors also agree with the billion-dollar heiress, citing:
|Consumers don't find the stimulus package stimulating at all. Viagra sales have been on the decline, and there are no other factors for the slump other than this unexciting stimulus package. While we were expecting sales to shoot up, sales seem to have a soften down and reached a flacid state. It is very frustrating.|
While most economic analysts have been claiming that porn is a recession proof industry, more and more of the industry has now been outsourced to Japan. The worse part was when the most attractive prospect in American porn was Sarah Palin.
- Sasha Grey said:
|It is a disgrace that someone who is listed on AskMen.com couldn't even compare to a grandmother three times my age in the number of downloads.|
Wall Street analysts have always pointed to the porn industry as the final defense of the country's economy. If this final bastion of what makes America, America falls, we can only look forward to a grim future where porn is censored or filmed wearing burkhas.
Preview of the Next Issue
Next week on UnNews:Investigative Reporting™, what Obama doesn't want you to find out about the placid "stimulus" package as we reveal FOUR more shocking issues!
- None. This is UnNews:Investigative Reporting™ after all. If someone else already reported it, and I sporked it, we wouldn't be here.
- Refer to the top
Coming Up Next
Coming up next, stay tuned for:
- At 9.00pm central, "24: The Musical" featuring the longest song in a musical, "We're Running Out of Time." Clay Aiken famously portrays Jack Bauer.
- At 9.00pm central the following day, "Lost:The Plot, part 4 of 128" is the fourth installment of the two-hour meta-documentary explaining the plot of the documentary based on a true story, "Lost"