UnNews:US Now Denying Any Association with Belichick
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US Now Denying Any Association with Belichick
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, July 26, 2017, 01:01:UTC)(
14 September 2007
NEW ENGLAND, AMERICA--Within 24 hours of Bill Belichick receiving his fine from the NFL, President Bush has released a statement on behalf o the U.S. government and the CIA, stating that they have never had any assiciation with Bill Belichick and that his acts of espionage were done strictly on his own. The N.Y. Jets disagree with the U.S.'s claims and are accusing the United States of illegal acts that violate the terms put forth in the Blitz Convention of 2006. The leader of the 2006 Blitz Convention Tribunal, Michael Vick, said this, "He was not honest. He was not honest and forthright in his discussions. What he did was very immature, which means he needs to grow up...you know...you know...Dogfighting is a terrible thing, and I did reject it. What? That's not what this is about? Well, uhh, what he really do?"
Vick led the campaign to prosecute Belichick in his rogue spy games. Since Vick and President Bush have decided to hold Belichick without trial or freedom to speak publically, he is being moved to Guantanamo Bay where he will probably encounter men just as big and sweaty as those he coached, but maybe with a little more spice.
On the heels of another al Quaeda threat, and President Bush's inability to think too far into the past, future, or the in-depth-present, Michael Vick, along with Dick Cheney have left Bush in his pen and are currently locked in talks with the N.Y. Jets administration in order to settle a deal. Leaked information tells us that the Jets are aggressively asking that the U.S. take responsibility and face the charges of the Vick-led Tribunal. President Bush is only quoted as saying, "He's bein' tried ferr espinach. I've had the spinach from Mexico. It's damn spicy. Too spicy. Spicy makes me...It makes me poo." "-Mr. President," interjected Vick, "Please stop."
Belichick's unnamed henchmen, who were the ones actually caught for the espionage, are still in Jets custody. There have been reports of up to four accomplices, and two are rumored to have been executed under the Welcome To New York Clause by hanging upside down while watching Britney Spears' VMA performace on loop.
Further coverage of this story is completely unnecessary.