UnNews:US Northeast reacts to cold wave with nagging
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
US Northeast reacts to cold wave with nagging
We distort, you deride
Thursday, May 28, 2015, 05:20:UTC)(
24 January 2011
Zelda Thornton-Jones of the state Office of Calamity Planning said, "We are advising people to stay warm for the entire duration of this cold snap." She suggests that citizens not venture outdoors unless it is necessary. For example, given a choice between doing sit-ups in the bedroom or in a snow bank, she counsels citizens to choose the bedroom--even if they might find it convenient to lock their feet under an ice shelf for support.
Ms. Thornton-Jones says, "Goosebumps and shivering are two signs that you're getting cold. When that happens, you need to go somewhere where it's warmer." She notes that failure to feel one's fingers and toes is an ambiguous sign that a person is getting cold. In the city after dark, it could also mean that those extremities have been stolen.
Ms. Thornton-Jones also advises residents to dress warm, a lesson no one would otherwise have thought of.
She says there is always pressure to cut funding for her state agency. "That would take us back to the days when there was no planning." The result would be frozen corpses on every sidewalk. Such controversy, however, was seen the last time President Obama visited the city. A small crowd of Tea Party supporters stood on a nearby corner and chanted, "Drill, Baby, Drill," as people believe it might be warmer underground.