UnNews:US Military Launches Weatherbomb in Hopes of Quelling Mass Protests
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard|
31 October 2011
New York, New York - In an attempt to dislodge the pesky protesters of the Occupy Wall Street Movement from city parks and government buildings, the United States Military has launched two massive weatherbombs across huge regions of the country. The first bomb was launched on Denver last week resulting in the city being buried in a foot of snow. Two days ago another larger attack was launched across the eastern seaboard stretching from Virginia to Newfoundland. Asked why Canada was also attacked, Secretary of State Bill Gates responding that the Occupy movement has spread to that country as well.
In a rare showing of bipartisanship both the Senate and the House overwhelmingly passed legislation authorizing President Obama to launch the two bombs. The exact mechanism that the military used to launch these weapons was not disclosed but several sources in the military hint that it involved transporting mass quantities of Arctic and Antarctic air and then dumping them on top of a low pressure system off the Atlantic Coast and then drawing the storm towards land. There were only a handful of Democrats (which included far left lunatic Dennis Kuchnich), one independent (socialist Bernie Sanders) , and one Republican (treasonous Ron Paul) who opposed launching the attack.
Cities such as Atlanta and Raleigh were targeted but the temperatures weren't cold enough to allow snow to fall. Still snow fell as far south as Washington DC and spread north to Philadelphia, Pittsburgh, New York, Boston, and into the Canadian Provinces of New Brunswick and Newfoundland. Nova Scotia was targeted as well but the warm gulf stream offshore prevented snow from falling there. Some of these areas have never experienced snow this early in the year and those that have, only experienced trace amounts in the past.
The two storms killed several hundred people, mostly in car accidents and from falling trees, but the government has shrugged it off as collateral damage. Many trees still had all of their leaves causing them to break more easily. Several trees in Liberty Park in New York City toppled onto protesters' tents. No word on the number of protesters killed.
The Obama administration is taking some serious criticism for his heavy handed actions, especially from those on the left who think his use of the weather to supress peaceful protest amounts to fascism. Many young people who voted for Obama in 2008 have now turned against him. One protester who was later shot by the Oakland Police Department said that "Obama is now showing himself as the corporate pawn he always was". Attempts were made to launch a third weather bomb in the San Francisco Bay area, a cesspool of homosexuality and liberal politics (something the US government vehemetly opposes), but that attempt failed. Snow hasn't fallen in any measurable amount in that area since the 1970s. The warm Pacific waters made launching any type of blizzard in California this early impossible.
In a press conference today, Obama conceded that he may of gone too far in letting so many people die but said that this attack was needed to save America from what he called "agitators and domestic terrorists". He also reminded the American people that he exercised great restraint by launching these two weatherbombs. He reminded voters that Republican Presidential Nominee Herman Cain wanted to launch nuclear attacks on New York and Washington to rid the US of the protesters. Obama said he thought his plan was the most appropriate action and that Cain went too far. He also critisized Mitt Romney's plan to infect US major cities with the Ebola virus in an attempt to control the dissent. Obama prides himself on being a centrist stating that he was glad to be able to contain the protest using less lethal methods. Cain and Romney had a mixed response to Obama's reaction to the protests. They agree with the fact that action was taken but think Obama is too wishy washy and should have gone much farther in showing the American people who is really in charge.
Protesters claim that the minus 20 degree temperatures and several feet of snow will only stregthen their resolve to peacefully overthrow the government and big business but several Fox News Commentators stated that it was doubtful the protest would last into November. Bill O'Reilly stated "Now that the warm weather is gone and winter started, the protesters will soon head home to their soon-to-be foreclosed house or parent's basements. Maybe now that they are done protesting they can actually go out and get a job". O'Reilly also claimed that the early snowfall disproved global warming and suggested that governments go farther in dismantling environmental regulations. Obama personally responded to O'Reilly that he will take his comments into consideration and will begin dismantling environmental regulations once the protesters "are dealt with".