UnNews:US Libertarians nominate Johnson and Weld

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US Libertarians nominate Johnson and Weld

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30 May 2016

Bill Weld

A Johnson aide studies Bill Weld's neckwear. The concept, unprecedented among Libertarians, could be the key to victory.

DISNEY WORLD, Florida -- As the U.S. Republican Party is set to nominate Donald Trump, who has been a Democrat for his entire life, and as the Democratic Party will counter with a nominee in Bernie Sanders (arguably not a Democrat) or Hillary Clinton (arguably not a stateswoman) to replace President Barack Obama (arguably not an American), a third voice has weighed in.

The Libertarian Party convention picked Gary Johnson for U.S. President and William Weld for Vice President. Both are two-term U.S. governors, and thus have actual executive experience, compared to Trump's career of mostly offering bribes to officials, and Hillary's of mostly accepting them.

Republicans ridiculed Democrats for lining up behind a crook just to show solidarity, until they realized that Mr. Trump is all they had, and did the same thing. By comparison, Libertarians, most of whom still work in the Dreaded Productive Sector, booed their ticket and called them "failed Republicans."

Both candidates required two ballots to gain nomination, as a striptease was also taking place on stage. A disgusted candidate commented, "I do not want the world to think that's what Libertarians are.” Not when we are this close to legalizing pot and prostitution. Happily, the crowd finally fell into chanting lockstep, just like the two major parties. Most got the consolation of shaking hands with the real Mickey Mouse, though the convention of Furries in the hotel's larger banquet hall meant extra work for the party's Credentials Committee.

The U.S., while pretty adept at paying lifetime entitlements to border-jumpers, is downright awful at accommodating more than two candidates for President during its quadrennial contest to pick the lesser of two evils. Failure of Hillary or Trump to get a majority would invoke a process even more absurd than the Electoral College. The House of Representatives would pick from the top three candidates who got any Electoral Votes, something that the Libertarian Party, despite a lot of bluster, has only gotten one of in its history, and that was a prank. The last third-party candidate to actually win a U.S. state was George Wallace in 1968, and he at least had a purpose — to revive Negro slavery.

We Took a Vote

You Deride 2016

Johnson was governor of New Mexico, where he successfully delayed new taxes until becoming as spacey as David Carradine in the third season of Kung Fu. Weld, in Massachusetts, gave a damned fine state-of-the-state address before settling down to play ball with corrupt legislators. He got through most of two terms before resigning and moving to New York City to become a vanity author and a lounge lizard. Nevertheless, two men who have actually gotten elected to something beats the self-promoting impresarios from which the Libertarians usually get to pick.

Johnson/Weld consistently poll in double digits whenever the preceding question was, "Do you think Hillary and Trump suck?" However, even 10% does not nail down any Electoral Votes, and even if they should win one state and stall the others at 49% apiece, the election would depend on the Republican House majority, after spending all of 2016 delivering insincere speeches on behalf of a carnival barker, to suddenly start voting on principle.

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